FoundAlongRoad

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just so hard to love

Cuz she loved me so much
All the quirks and flaws no one else does
But she never really understood
Most of the stuff in my head
And then she left
So completely

I can never just let go of love
Or trauma
Some of it I’ve worked so hard on
Still like I’m paper mached together
Ripped open with a feather
Touch
Reminder of never being enough
But then other parts are like steel
 
How I stole back all my worth from you
And only the ghost of how you made me still exists
Took the pieces I wanted
Left the rest
And built on it

So I can really love myself
Even when no one else
Seems to
And it’s ok
I’m alright
I’m my own best friend
And I have people who mean the world to me too
I’m ok
I’m fine

But then sometimes when I look at you
Feel my heart and know you’ll never feel it too
I wonder why I’m so hard to love


I saw her standing there like a goddess with a grocery cart
And suddenly I was a preteen turning yearning into an art
I suppose we’ve all been there
Have we all bled like that
Lying in my bed like that
Hoping I’d just never wake up
I never again want a hopeless unrequited love
Like that
But haven’t they all been
To some extent

So I was scared of you
Of what this love could make me do
To bury the pain
But if you want the truth
Loving you makes me feel free..

And in small moments I go back to that teenager
For a second I get lost in the darkness and anger
But then I remember who I am
And maybe it’s just not our journey
To have a love like that

She has a whole life now
Total stranger
Hours days years when I knew all of her hopes and fears
And loved her like that
I’ve always been stuck back there
Searching for the connection
Cuz I remember it as perfection
But I know it was only first love
First kiss
First touch
First heartbreak
And I’ve had a million more
Telling myself not to compare to a fantasy
That’ll never exist

 Then you kissed me
Took me to your bed
And I found half of it

Almost a decade later and you make some funny comment
And astound me
And I feel like I finally found it all in one place
But it’s just a fantasy
If it happened it’d get ruined by reality
But I’m still stuck back there
And now I’m stuck right here
But only thin lines tie the two together
In my deepest fears
My truest love
And that makes me scared
Until I look at my pain and see it may be the same but it can’t kill me now
I’m so much more
And loving you reminds me
I’ve learned to love selflessly
Not in totality
But mostly.


And she’s all grown up now what a fucking force
Standing at her bathroom sink laughing
Her voice is a little deeper and I swear she got taller
What a sight to see
Sometimes I wonder what if it had been you and me
Instead of her
But I tend to let things run away with me
Just a fantasy
You flew far out of my league
And I’m hard to love
But you used to be like a sister can we get that back
What a lesson to learn in how to not make everything more than it is
When you look like this
Damn.
And laugh like that..
But I think we could get it back
Older and wiser and I’ve lost so many friend-soulmates

Now I went and fell in love with the other one
What is wrong with me
But it’s all lessons and growing and idk where I’m going but I’m gonna get somewhere
Someday
And sometimes I look at you and wish you could love me
That I could make you happy
But I got myself
Learning how to let people in
Cuz I can’t conclude I’m too hard to love when I keep all my parts hidden
But either way I got me.
And people that mean the world to me.
And I’m growing, going somewhere
Back and forth but I’ll get there..
Taking my time on my journey
Don’t know how much longer I have
And my mistakes haunt me
Trying to heal my past
But I got me
And some people that mean the world to me