FoundAlongRoad

I get these moments sneaking in
Saying this is just the past again
I’m up so high only to fall
From the pedestal I put you on

But I’ve been churning my life around
Flipping over to the b side
To what the holes in my memories hide
And I’ve been burning bad habits down
Sometimes it seems I’m getting somewhere
Other nights it feels so futile

I wanted that hurt, feel the burn from your words
Or lack of them
To test the worth, let the dam burst
Of these feelings
But getting down only made me wanna get back up

Still waters, slowing from the bubbling babbling depths
And I think everything is prettier pulling from sadness
Like waiting for your first laugh after he left..
Lately I felt this light bursting almost blinding
But love needs darkness to exist
And it felt like sinking, so familiar I welcomed it
Then it turned to breathing, calming
In everything there must be balance
In the version of me that I want to be..

I wanna spoil, wanna give space, wanna slip into my own mind some nights
And others into yours
Will not ask for more
It pours out of the cracks that I can’t close
And I’ll scrub it away before it stains
Cuz humanity is a work in progress
I just wanna be human again
And sometimes I’m good for just about nothing
But not like before, never again
It follows me like a shadow
All the things I didn’t see I did
And it’s a part of me like where the river gets shallow
So I take it’s hand and dance with it
Set it free
So it doesn’t smother me
Doesn’t control me
And I think it’s a process for the rest of my life
Cuz it grew with me this whole time
Some nights I just sit by it’s side
Quiet
Reflecting like a pool of tears
I swear there will be healing here
Some days it’s a step forward ten back
And I admit all this threw me for a damn loop
But I know I don’t need anything back
Learning to love myself overruns into loving you

Some days the world feels like a miracle
Others like a hopeless case
Some hours I wanna connect with other souls
Others I only want to hide away
But I’ve never been back to that pitch-dark place
So I think it’s progress either way

I know I had this motivation before that smile lit your face and set fireworks off in my veins just like I know there are times you blush and times you wanna run away and it’s a fine line I’ll find by crossing it a few times but only in the slightest way cuz I know I had this motivation before looking into your eyes turned me inside out

Maybe the universe needed it to be harder for me
You can’t change without adversity
Slipping out of old habits
And into unconditionally
It’ll probably take the rest of my life
And if I never date again you might ask why
Bother
But dating is different than loving and I wanna love without taking
I wanna love me
I wanna love life
I wanna give you the feeling of being loved
Without the burden of returning
A damn thing
Cuz you deserve it.

Trouble is it’s so intoxicating I get lost in the feeling and you don’t know I don’t have any expectations cuz some things are human nature. Can’t deny I want you like a cigarette after a long day. Take a slow drag, take my time, all over your body ..
But I’m ok if it will never be that way, how to get that across without having to say, between making you laugh and easing myself away when you need that, or I need that, tho I always feel you like a magnet. Between doing it all cuz of my ocd or cuz I wanna give you everything, between my heart lifting just hearing you speak, and trying to just be a human, a friend, to you and those who love me. Somewhere along the way this other shoe drop became a weight balancing the way I feel and way I wanna be. And sometimes I’ll lose my step, fall off and have to crawl back sorry, and this will be a winding path, I know you have pain and walls and uncertainty.. I don’t have an answer to any of that, but being aware is half the battle, and time will fly but it will keep moving forward so there’s another chance tomorrow.. maybe it’s only supposed to be a lesson for a while like we’ve always been but the universe gave another sequel for a reason.. whatever it is. .