FoundAlongRoad

I love that they got out got everything
Was I really just too broken
Saw all the darkness and said I wanna experience it
Everything
I never regret the past until I look at me and wonder if I could’ve been like that
Maybe I didn’t have anyone to show me it was possible
But they fought to get it overcame so many obstacles
And I was the failure that had always wanted to sit with the broken things always wanted to feel too much and belong with the ones who never had wings I saw the magic in the darkness but when I danced with it it sucked me in
And I don’t regret who I am
Until I look at me from the shadows of who I could’ve been
Gifted kid lost all her friends
Body issues torture followed by emotional turmoil
I remember being in elementary and no one would sit with me like every day and I remember feeling alone and losing myself in those pages too young to be so hurt I just ran away but it sat somewhere inside of me
And I remember in middle school barely in double digits when everyone was so worried about being cool but I just wanted to be myself and when I found a word to go with it it felt like euphoria but I spoke my truth and they made it something dirty like I was something unworthy and I can still touch that sinking feeling of finally belonging in my skin turning quickly curdling being told it wasn’t ok
And I wasn’t ok
I remember every room I entered every look I got I had damn cooties to every single one of them based on what they were taught and I wasn’t even a teen and grew that thick skin buried so deep and I sank into my mind so far I’ve never found my way out again
Nowadays I’m so grateful that no one lied to me that I could be some dude to be the picture of what she wanted cuz I would’ve jumped in with both feet
Cuz I remember that blade every night cutting deeper trying to get the pain to fade and I remember everything felt like I didn’t belong and sometimes I can still taste that gun barrel in my mouth I was fucking twelve years old and people wonder why I care so much about making a better world for the misfits and the little girls
I grew to love being a woman fuck their definition and two women hits different and I saw the truth in all these men so young, wanted to save everyone, and wanted to prove my worth in how she screamed my name, all of it cycling over and over and over again..
Deep down I’m still that kid sitting alone but now I say fuck it I know my worth
Deep down I still feel that loneliness and the blood dripping as I went to sleep
But I stay grateful that I lived long enough to see
The way the world is changing and it’s all pushing back now but getting somewhere
And I’m grateful
And I don’t have a lot of fight left
To try to save the ones they won’t help to learn to love themselves
Was never very good at that
I retreated into fantasy and never came back
Feel every moment of life hard like a deep cold breath wonderful but crisp
And I feel it til I can’t and I back away from it
Into worlds of how it should’ve been
And I look back and know I went so off track I’m not even sure how to unpack all of that
Social anxiety to the max but I don’t talk about that except as a burden to my exes who had to make all my phone calls and come with me into the store and I’ve pushed myself so far lived all alone but it still haunts me in this small town I should’ve left not keep calling home
And I don’t talk about all the things I saw growing up
The touches and comments made me feel disgusting
I don’t talk about how it numbed me to all of it till I ended up -(giving it up)-
Like it was nothing
I don’t talk about the thrown plates and empty vodka bottles
How -()- lived in the basement and -()- lived with a monster in their brain
That passed on to me
I don’t say how it was so up and down with sunlight and laughter then tension and cruel words that shatter and sometimes I think that’s where the adrenaline addiction and all the coping mechanisms started
But I’ve forgiven and they’ve grown and it could’ve been so much worse
I don’t talk about how I never felt safe from the day she touched me and I wasn’t the same cuz -()-didn’t save me and I learned its ok for someone to do these things and make you feel that way
And I’ve healed from it but I didn’t forget
Like the part of me that wanted to be important wanted to be wanted, more than ever was healthy and I chase it in everyone I shouldn’t cuz the pain tells me I’m still alive and if I open her eyes it’s a wonderous accomplishment and if she opens my legs then maybe I’m worth something..
I don’t talk about all the things she whispered in my ear when I barely -()- all the sexual and emotional games she’d play, the way she trained me to react physically and affected forever even hearing my own name..
Crossing lines crossing boundaries, that dark hell and the chemistry..
It is such a big part of me and it’s something I can’t share but in little bits like ‘hey I actually like this is that ok’ and ‘I don’t actually have a boundary there is that weird’, and I’m glad my mind is so open but then she tore my sanity out and I don’t talk about it cuz I didn’t know up from down for so long so young gaslighted to the point I needed locked up but I didn’t go and I tried to fix me mostly on my own and maybe that’s why
I’m like this now..
Some of the pieces settled and I tried to mold me into something more acceptable.. but I kept some that have their hooks in me like ok I’ll never be able to relate to most of you but I like who I am under all of this hiding..
The older I get the less I hide it and I stopped fighting and embraced so much to try to soothe my damn self and smooth my edges and love what’s left but I look around at who I could’ve been and think damn what’s this..
I don’t talk about the way him coming at me like that was the most scared I’ve ever been and it felt like it went on for hours and how when I close my eyes I can still feel every hit and see those stars but I dealt with it until she lost her control in that moment and I saw them again and she was always my safe place even when she pulled the rug out from under me but then it never felt the same..
But I don’t talk about how I blame myself for driving her to it and never being strong enough to carry us through it cuz I was never adult enough to do what I should be doing like I don’t care I value time more cuz life is fleeting and I just wanna sink into all of my feelings and words other people wrote that take me to a better world..
I feel myself fading like who needs me to be here other than the bare minimum
Everyone I ever loved moved on to better lives and if they left me behind I’m sure I kinda deserved it and if they hold on I’m not sure I’m worth it..
But I’m trying..
Trying to write out all the things I don’t talk about..
I don’t talk about the one I lost, the only one that felt like safety in those younger years when no one understood my tears and she was always there my whole heart and I can’t talk about all the years I wasted and words I can’t remember that shaped my heart or how after she died I fell the fuck apart.. I can’t speak on how she started slipping and I refused to deal with it cuz I have no beliefs that feel like enough to ease this grief, or how I remember walking in for the last time and just laying with you and we watched TV and you fell asleep and when you woke up it was the last time and you said to me that special name you called me and for the last time you saw me and touched my face and not long after the ambulance took you away and we sat for so many days watching you try to communicate telling you it was okay to move on to a better place and all I can see is those blue eyes pleading and confused and I can feel your paper-thin skin against my hand it’s been so many years but I still see your eyes when I close mine and it broke me cuz you’re not out there somewhere living without me I’ll never see you again and it’s something I don’t ever touch cuz I can’t fucking deal with it.. I don’t do grief I haven’t gone to funerals of family I cut off anyone I think I could lose cuz all I think about is you and how I never wanted to get married cuz she could never meet you and there’s no counseling to help when there is no solace to find cuz heaven isn’t real and all we have is right here and I wanted to believe so badly cuz I can feel you sometimes like your energy is still here around me still love but I know if I look up you’re not watching down and I’ll never see you again and that hurts like the worst fucking thing.. and I don’t talk about how other than you I was alone in my mind growing up but for one extension of me the only family that felt like I belonged was him and he grew up and was coming out of his cocoon and I felt like I was losing all of it so I pushed him away cuz it was all at the same time, he was leaving and you died and I was drinking and getting addicted to any -()- that numbed me and different bodies every day I didn’t care if I graduated and I didn’t care if I died I wanted to not feel and to feel alive and I both held on too hard and pushed away anyone who might leave me cuz I couldn’t handle another knife and he left and he never came back and I can’t blame him but I regret that.. I went down that dark hole of never ending drives and parties and hook ups and ‘relationships’ trying to feel like I was worth something but never letting anyone in close enough to really hurt but the rejection still all hurt me what a fucking cliche and I’d search for every touch in any woman that caught my eye and id let just about any -()- and I lost friends and made new ones for so long I didn’t know what I was doing and I found my way to that house and that -()- and those deep talks they made me feel understood for once in my life and I leaned into it the -()- and the life if you can call it life it was some of my favorite nights ever and I remember getting lost in those beautiful broken minds, her hands on me and his eyes on mine and back and forth we passed -()- on and on lost track of time lost my whole damn life and we went from up to down to both now and everything spinning around like finding the secrets to life but then one day -()- they took my car -()- and crashed it and almost died and then slowly my best friend lost his mind and -()- it was all scary and I could barely function but I got up and I ran to someone who cared and she saved me..
And she called me tonight it’s been so long I’ve thanked her a million times but it’s never enough cuz I’m still alive, when the one I laid with isn’t, and I know she must have been terrified when I showed up like a ghost of me i had long since stopped eating or being able to sleep and sometimes I wonder if I’d even be here today if she hadn’t opened her door to me and showed me a place where I was more than all my scars and safe to recover from the lowest place I’ve ever gone but thank goddess she was the one i went to and also I’m so sorry again..
I went home with shaky determination and ran to another toxic relationship but in the beginning it was comfort and in the end she gave me panic attacks but there was so much time before that where she had been there too and kept me from slipping kept me -()- and kept my will for living so even when I hated her I didn’t cuz she also kept me in this world while she was struggling too..
I don’t talk about how I only ever had one real relationship I mean I guess I would say two cuz I planned my whole future with you and you were my everything and I’ll never really let go but you were so young and we were missing so much and it was the best thing ever and the worst things I’ve ever done.. then I thought she would be the one.. got the house the dogs the kids the whole thing and it felt like adulting like we were building a life just us but I have weak shoulders couldn’t carry so much.. and I still think about how you gave me everything and wanted every piece that I don’t talk about.. it was the only time I felt really loved, in every way.. and we did it our way.. but I don’t talk about the parts of me that can’t handle the pressure of being the reason you smile and how this broken heart craves something fleeting and this broken brain needs stimulation cuz when you just love me I feel all my holes I fall in and they bury me all the things I don’t have it in me to be.. like open. Or steady. My love never dies but it will take flight away from feeling like I’m never enough or I’m too much, never feel understood even when you want it all and being vulnerable I never could I had to fall back to that dark place please give up on me to be able to purge all this pain like sometime young all this love died in me and I never faced it until I find myself lacking in the face of all you give.. I’m sorry..
All I can do is stop trying to have things I can’t handle and be honest with myself about my damage in ways I couldn’t see before cuz fuck if I’ll do this anymore
But those old patterns creep in
Motivation
It’s all delusions.
I’ll give you all I got and warn you it’ll never be enough don’t put your expectations on me
I’m just now coming around to seeing who I’ve always been and parts that always will be
Trying to heal what i can with what is left of me but I am who I am
Facing my demons loving what I have and facing the regret
Of things I’ve broken
Best I can do lately is write about the things I don’t speak.