FoundAlongRoad

Most days I wouldn’t go back cuz of where I ended up
Mentally
But
Sometimes I think I want a redo
Of my life
I wonder what you would be like
Now that you know yourself
I was blessed to know real love twice
And it was never the falling-into-my-mind
That I thought it should be like
But now with my hourglass winding down
And no one sleeping at my side anyhow
I think back and see how lucky I was
To have that love
And how I was just too messed up
And maybe it’s like you say
Wasn’t meant to be
Supposed to end this way
Cuz you’re married now and seem so happy
And I was no good anyhow
And better with just me
Idolizing connections that never exist in reality
But
In both the practical world and in my memory
What we had was beautiful
And I was deadly
To anyone trying to love me
And I accept myself now cuz I know so many more of my pieces
Trying so hard not to force them to fit where they don’t
And to not get caught up in not being alone
But late at night I miss the way it was you and I against the world
And how she loved me like I made the very earth turn
And I felt it all back
I felt so much back
But I also felt the lack
Cuz I’ve always been something different
Just wanting to feel like I fit
So I burnt everything
I always did
Until I learned to be enough for myself
And there will always be a yearning to find that in someone else
But now I look back and see what was real
And think maybe if we’d been older, maybe if we’d had time to heal
Cuz I’ll always miss that love
That had said even if you didn’t understand me I was still enough
And it’s more than I’ll find again
I’m glad I at least taught you to drive
I wish I didn’t take those scars with me through time
I hope your wife treats you like the gift you are
I’m sorry for every scar
I think I’m always a little stuck
But it’s exquisite even when it feels like too much
Cuz time only moves forward
I grow but how much
But in the pain there’s comfort
That I got to have real love
Two times more than some
And maybe it was and maybe it wasn’t but that bond was real enough
Feel like sitting in a rocking chair talking bout the good days
How they hurt when you’re in them
Feel like running down the street like I’m a teen again
It’s always somewhere in us
We grow but how much
Amidst my grief is the knowledge that that’s the price you leave to have felt real love
For him, with you, with her
No matter how it all turned out
And for now I myself have to be enough
Trying to break cycles instead of hearts be it my own or someone else’s
Growing but how much