FoundAlongRoad

Sometimes I wish I told you then
That it was never one bit about him
I think I should’ve made it clear
But then again
we lived only in moments free from the fear
When your walls would come down and draw me near
And afterward I didn’t feel wanted there

Do you think things happen for a reason
Through the years the times repeating
I don’t believe in fate anymore
And I scold this heart to slow it’s beating
And wonder what any of this is for

Did I feel all of this back then?
Did I lock it out and throw the key?
I swear it came in a moment, from nowhere
Sinking into the way you smiled at me

I was so sure, thought I knew myself
And as they say god must have laughed
At the thought that I had any control
Came undone in a second, just one glance

And fuck if I’ll give into that..
Magnets pulling, I feel it from every room
The ease of attraction turned into this loss of traction
And I won’t do that to you

It’s like soaking in a sunset, watching any little thing that you do..
I hold the calm it gives me and softly, unburdening,
fall in love with you..

And fuck if I’ll give in to that..
I swear it’s the stars or planets
I didn’t ask for the depth of it
I’m not good for any delicate mechanics
Mangled innocence lines this guilty mess in me
And I won’t return to it
Whispers in the back of my head, if we could have something easy..
Draw the lines where they come naturally..
Sometimes I think we come naturally..

But fuck if I’ll give in to that..
I wait for the first cut to come
And wake me up, roll right off your tongue
Pain is the light slowly creeping into my eyes
Stirring me
From the dream I slip into when you connect with mine long enough
I swim in the brown n green

It was always the worst for me
Hit with rejection that crippled every feeling
But I don’t know if anything is the same in me
I’ve been facing these demons every night mind reeling
At the person I don’t ever wanna be again

And fuck if I’ll give in to that
In a balanced place, n I won’t ask you for a thing
Like an occasional comfort
I wanted to worship every inch of your skin
Only when you wanted, every day, or only in my head

Then sometime between the smoke in the night air and all my things upstairs
The stars came down into your every move
And now my heart swells like it grew

But fuck if I’ll give into that..
I can love you the same in only just the way you ask for
In every action, and commitment to appreciate and nothing more
I won’t try to say too much or force a close brush
But I won’t deny it either
Never asking for anything in return
Tho my eyes betray what’s inside, searching for a smile lighting your face
Tracing your hands like they’re my favorite place

But fuck if I’ll give in to that..
Pack away every bit, at night I let it out to heal it
You’ll only ever see an outline, a trace
Just what is written on my face
Cuz I’m not that young anymore
A little thrown by finding that I might want more
But I’ll be fine with ‘only when’ or if there is nothing else in store

These feelings aren’t sharp or painful, so I wrap up in them instead of hide
Accept what is brought out of me and ask nothing but to just be still and feel alive

I suppose I’ll write a thousand words
For you to never read
Despite whether your door is closed to me
And I suppose I’ll make a fool of myself and then make light of every fault in me
Cuz this time is weightless and doesn’t press the need

So I won’t let it be heavy on you
The same mistakes that shadow me
Making fewer missteps takes time and careful footing
And all the world is chaos now..
So I can’t say it won’t go the same way
But whatever this is in me won’t drag it down
I’m determined now
My whole life is in the clouds
Cuz fuck if I’ll give in to that

I’ll pour it out onto paper
And through my fingers on myself
If I’m lucky, onto you as well..
Wordlessly, into every curve and kiss
..But I won’t count on it

And it’ll be beautiful, the things you’ll never truly know, that I’ll try to say silently, every day
Without a label to return.
..