FoundAlongRoad

My spewed words
am I desperate for closure
or just to feel that way again
Maybe I can only function in rejection..

You shaped my whole concept of love
You and a million flipped pages of potential
I lived in between ink smudges and your lips
The first I ever knew..
They say it always sticks with you
Like maybe it’s exaggerated
But I’ve never filled this constant aching
Always chasing the way you understood every peak and canyon no one else has ever even seen
Maybe I hid it away
Losing you moved mountains in me
But you can’t lose what was never really in your reach
Fumbling, searing, soft, and safe
Did the combination really exist
I spent a decade never unlocking the door to this
The cliche of wondering if you ever wander into the memories
What do I look like in your mind?
The heart you unintentionally raked across glass and coals
Never asking me to be your fool
I’m sure I was too much ..
Inside I was never enough
But it was the outside you didn’t want
I’m sorry I lost every bit of me inside of you.
I don’t think all of the pieces ever came back..
The innocence, bravado, tremoring the second I touched you..
They say everyone’s first time is terrible
I tried to turn inside out
To fast-forward into being addicting
The rest of my life
Put my value in prowess
Cuz I never got to touch you again
And I searched for you in
Every caress of someone else’s skin
The worst part was never hearing anyone speak to my heart again in the language that you did
There’s a box of notes and letters, our journal, locked away that follows me to every new place
Collecting dust
We were kids the last time I even touched it
I don’t know if I ever can again
Your shadow is already just out of sight
On the tip of my mind
And I never reached for it
Haunted by the ghost of the worst in me
I’m still a work in progress
Wasn’t ready for all of this
If I was I would never have messaged
But it came to me anyway
Cruel fingers grabbing hold of my dreams
Shoving in the feeling of the first time you kissed me..
Now I can feel your lips on mine as we fell asleep
I know those nights it wasn’t just me
Our tongues were magnets before we were old enough to know what that feeling means..
I ended up calling it something you never did
But those fireworks and blankets that sprung between us
Have you felt it with anyone since?
The blazing fire, the connection so comforting
How could I have never found the like again?
Searching a hundred hearts and lips, when you felt it with him and him?
But for me it felt like baptism,
the only thing I ever held sacred.
And I thought you were there, I could’ve sworn I saw you in it
But the image flickered and suddenly I haven’t felt your presence in 14 years
and you’re married and I can’t hold back tears
as a floodgate of a decade gives way to your laughter echoing and I’m drowning in blue eyes and the feeling of feeling at home.
I’ve spent my life in the wanderlust of my mind
Laid my head down and ripped someone else apart
Held back my deepest parts and packed my bags for a new start
I’ve tried to pry this out of me
The secret, poisoned pieces
Then they came forward unbidden so now I’m purging myself of first love
Years of yearning to rip my own skin off
Cuz you said then you’d marry me
But I’m sure your kind heart only meant to soothe
The tornado in me
I’ve never felt like I could tell anyone everything or barely anything since our youthful family held so many parts of me
And threw it all away
But you took every turn smoothly and still we talked into the night
Like a magic mirror lighting up every bit of me
You saw it all and still we filled pages with teenage angst and all of our coming-of-age
Now all my friends are dead or dead to me or me to them and I see your confused, amused, gorgeous face in my head
I swear I’m almost over you,
I was for such a long time
Buried so far I thought I patched my cracks
Until I realized I’ve spent my whole life looking back searching in every love for what we had and retreating without really leaving when it was never ‘home’ staring back
Sometimes I felt safe, for a moment that thread pulling, like it was meant to be something
But then I’d fill in the edges and none of the center pieces fit
I was from a different box
With a different picture on it
But I’d force it so slowly just bending the fringes of us
Until every love folded and split and I was left empty again
I swear I’m almost over you
I’m not that adolescent wreck anymore
Got gaps in my memory bigger than what’s left
Do so much mental repairing you’d think I’d be good as new
But the scars just hide surrounded by trenches I can’t pull them through
Tackle them one at a time but now there are yellow bricks leading back to the shape of you..
I swear I’m almost over you
I only messaged to see how you were doing
The days have turned to weeks and I don’t blame you for leaving
I just can’t climb over the way you made my heart race and put eternity within my embrace, like I wasn’t alone fated to chase forever but I swear I’m almost over you.