FoundAlongRoad

So I don’t think you know
The hardest thing I maybe ever did
Was send those to you, let you in,
And then sit with that feeling..
I never intended these words to be read
They’re not like my stories
That’s my soul bare right there
In a way I could never handle
I’m open with my mess
But not those thoughts they’re secret
Not my best
But something about you caring
Ripped exposure from my chest
Never had it in there before
And now I’m vulnerable
In the most sacred place in me
Somewhere deep no one sees
My darkest wound I can’t face
Right down there with all my grief
Things that create my insanity
Things I can never heal
And I handed them over
Now I fall apart a little
Cuz suddenly it all got real
My walls were always insurmountable
But you barely tried and they opened
I’m not sure if that has anything to do with my feelings
Or if the part of my journey here was for this
Something about you
That I know you don’t mean to
Is like a balm on my scars
On my fears
Like I can be someone else here
And yet more myself than ever
In moments I’m just less scared
Like I’m not this broken shell
Hiding within myself
I wish I could do the same for you
It’s not fair you’re my cocoon
And I can’t help you find your wings too
Things I have to accept
I guess
And this whole metamorphosis
Is both an ugly trip
And a beautiful thing
And the way I have to release my feelings
To someone else
For them to lessen
And see it all better now
Left room in me for all these cuts to be
Begging for attention
Once again
Back to where I started when
I was alone in that trailer
Facing my greatest sins
Toxic patterns
And how many holes in my mind exist
But being here and lost in you
I think that daylight had a purpose
To pull me through
It may have been delusion
But it changed me too
Lending strength in feeling new
Wish I could do that for you..
And now I’m being lowered, into things I have to go to, let the pain wash over, feel all the bad things, keep breaking all over again, to build me back better, to try not to squander, whatever time I have left, whatever love I have left, to give or receive, to break patterns that make up all of me, and let these words break free..

And all this love I found
while being here
Separated from the sex and mania
Curls in me and settles down
Like all the chemicals served there purpose
Now I can try to be a person
Trace the ways that I am broken
Feel the pain and find myself
I miss the chaos of the adrenaline
Feeling you prickling under my skin
It’s still in there it’s just calm
It’ll probably come back around
Like a coping mechanism now
But it put a path over the holes I have to walk
So I won’t fall so hard in the dark
And I can never thank you enough for that
I know it wasn’t even something you meant 
And you have to put up with so much
I wouldn’t blame you to have regret
I am unstable and not always able
To keep it from you
My guilt came in
Couldn’t even
Think that way about you
Like I used to
Every minute
But my brain is going somewhere dark
Need the dopamine
And you are the biggest spark
I feel bad about it now
If you don’t feel the same
But I took myself there
Cuz it will always be this way
So I’m sorry for the last thing I wrote
And I’m sorry I’ll be
up and down mentally
But I’ll try to be better now
Less obsessed and a better friend
Let being there for you pull me from my head
But I gotta drag myself into the depths
I’ll pull the light back for you cuz you pull it out of me 💜
This is new, it’s shaky ground
But I’ll be alright, I’ll figure it out
Opening up created space for things
Other than these feelings
Maybe give you relief
But you still bring out the best of me
Still want you in bed with me
Sorry that’s just facts now

I gotta jump in, to start to swim
Drown a little and pull myself out..
The scariest things
I ever did.