FoundAlongRoad

Think it’s time to get real
Instead of poor pity me
The truth is I couldn’t deal
With fucking reality
And I wrote off people that cared cuz I didn’t feel like I fit
And I got good at cutting off but never when I should’ve been
When I was young I was so angry, I’d break things
My -()- was my world until -()- wasn’t
I watched -()- get -()- and couldn’t do
A damn thing
So I held it in
And as -()- got older took it out -()-
I remember that red-hot temper guess you can’t control the genes you give
I remember -()- and -()- was turning into something I couldn’t seem to put a stop to, to get back to the -()- I knew -()- had -()- mask and it didn’t look right and made me mad and I know looking back it was frustration for -()- coping blaming each other but I know when -()- were still younger I had so much pent up that -()- and I’ve never had the courage to say it but I’m so damn sorry -()-..
I know -()- got a little older and all the boys tried to fit into the mold society shoves them in like they’re not allowed to have feelings and -()- would tell me I ruined -()- life cuz -()- friends talked about how weird I was, gay kid big news in a small town, and I wouldn’t back down but I resented -()- so much, -()- didn’t know I had that gun in my hand and -()- didn’t know I was dying inside and -()- didn’t defend me when -()- just hated me for something I had only discovered I didn’t ask for it and everyone had their three damn cents and it was never pretty and I wasn’t okay and I wanted -()- to still love me and -()- resented it all so I let -()- fuck right off out of my heart and sometimes I wonder how it could’ve been different.. I know it wasn’t easy for -()- either.. I was just begging for a lifeline pretending to be fine and felt like -()- just wanted to hold me under the water so I wouldn’t ruin -()- nice time . . -()- was just -()- too and that pain split -()- and I hated the path -()- would choose so -()- never really been ok and that haunts me some days ..
But then I watched -()- hate -()- for so long
Hurt -()- so fucking much
Cuz -()- couldn’t let go of -()-
And -()-
And I felt -()- tears and I was the one there
And I wanted to scream how -()- -()- the -()- and -()- and yet I put my heart out to try to understand cuz I knew there was good in -()- and I worked on me and the parts I saw where I was just scared to be -()-
And other parts I wouldn’t change for a thing
And yet -()- couldn’t get passed the trauma -()- inflicted when -()- was -()- but as -()- could never blame -()-
Like -()- blocked out all the pain I saw -()- deal with, -()-
And I’m not blaming anyone cuz we all came such a goddamn long way and I love -()-
But I have a hard time forgiving -()-
Just like I wouldn’t blame -()-
If -()- couldn’t forgive me -()-
But enough of this.
This is about what I did
When I was broken
Well I always am but I mean back when I was coping by hurting -()- and denial
-()- from -()- and never helping -()- out cuz my feelings were too big by now like a whole -()- -()- never wanted and I know I let -()- down so many times no matter how hard -()- tried, and I can never tell -()- how grateful I am for -()- doing the hard right thing back then, and for loving me even when I broke -()- damn heart again and again
While also dealing with -()- acting like shit and -()- dying.. damn if I could rewind it.. everything was always too much for me, just being alive and all these things inside and I spent every ounce of energy in running away, losing myself or just trying to keep breathing, searching for my damn self in everyone else and I’m sorry I never grew up and I’m sorry I was such a burden when you already had so many and I’m sorry I’m still a fuck up but I see how hard you’ve worked and I appreciate you so much.. -()- I was going through hell and it got better steadily but then we lost -()- and I didn’t know how to be close to anyone again but don’t blame yourself it’s my lack of beliefs which if -()- hadn’t kept from instilling in me I guarantee I would’ve killed myself all that bs religious guilt so it cuts both ways but I prefer this and I came around to realizing that -()- all people and have your own stories and I wanted to know you and I saw how you tried your best and I forgave -()- and you were/are my best friend, even though I’m not very good at that yet.. -()- had it good overall.. don’t take my failings personally.. we’re all our own person..
And I remember.. damn there’s so much I don’t remember..
I can’t think about that too long
I know it’s my fault
I’ve lost so many memories
Gotta try to make the whole picture from the ones I have
But it’s different from every side
So just gotta heal what I can
What I can remember.
I remember this damn temper
What’s funny is it hasn’t come back here like it had my whole life
I don’t feel it stirring at my side
Since it was scared away so entirely
By the worst of her worst of me
And this is the only place it hasn’t taunted me regularly 💜
But I know it’s only dormant
It’ll come back again
I can’t ever forget
How I used to have no control
Had to learn that
Just lashing out breaking anything
Holes in walls holes in me
I’d just see red
And the way I couldn’t let things go
Would just lecture
And I was pretty sure if I looked in a mirror I’d see -()-
-()- has many qualities I admire
And parts -()- that mean the world to me
But that anger -()- passed -()- passed to me
And it was the scariest thing
Like a living creature you can’t tame
And I remember -()-
Said he was scared to have kids in case he would become
-()-
Generational trauma
And I’ve seen -()- come so damn far
It gave me hope I could get a handle on it
And most of those years I did
But occasionally it rears its head and it’s terrifying
Few of the last times it was pointed directly
Inward at me
Like I could just rip myself into little bits
Can’t ever get too complacent
-()-
Can’t let it get that toxic
-()-
I tried to be so much better
And now it comes out almost never
-()-
I’m used to stopping myself, it never wants to hurt anyone else, just the furniture
But this rage wanted me to hurt myself
Flashbacks from my original hell
I won’t let it take me but I’m not ok mentally some days
But I’m healing
Just first gotta wade through these pools of blood inside of me
To get anywhere to be clean
I think we all might need a good cry
Then a loud scream
A long hug
And a ton of therapy.