FoundAlongRoad

I stop myself from blaming you
For not wanting me
I stop myself from hating me
For not being enough
And wanting you too much
But I can’t stop the way this feels knowing how it felt
That it was just me
I have to face it
I have to face where you might be
Tonight
And tell myself it’s alright
To let my heart break a little
To let some tears fall
Between the love and lust
I don’t know anything at all
Hurting from both for different reasons
Trying to separate it to make peace with them
But it’s all jumbled in my head
With all the words you’ve never said
And the ones you did
I want hope back just a tiny candle
I wanna be love and not the scandal
Of wanting things not meant for me
Losing sight of how much what Is there means
Cuz you’re still my history
You’re still amazing
And when I don’t make it a mystery
When I’m less crazy
You’re one of my best friends
And maybe I’m the reason
You’re not feeling it
That you’re putting distance
I really can’t blame you
But I want hope back, like just a little flame that keeps our eyes bright
And I wanna be love, like not ever acting out of spite
So I’m gonna let my heart break just a crack
And I’m gonna cry a minute at the dark place trying to pull me back
But then I’m gonna accept that I’ll always want you
And I’m gonna let go of wanting more than that from you
I never meant to
And then I’m gonna remember that I am a fucking force
And that if you want something else that is your choice
But I’ll be ok
Tomorrow
Maybe the next day
I’ll put myself back together
I know I did this, in the worst way
But I’m gonna feel my lows so I can get high again, healthier
And you won’t have to stay away
I’m sorry I made you feel that way
And I’m sorry if I cross lines again cuz this intensity makes me do crazy things at trying to get through to just have a night with you again and I’m a mess I’m only, barely, human but I swear I’ll learn from my mistakes cuz the worst pain is being pushed away when I know I caused it and I didn’t want this and it doesn’t have to be so damn complicated..
I can stop myself from wondering why it wasn’t the same for you
With me
I can keep myself from crumbling in blame that isn’t new
It’s from my history
But I’m not only my broken pieces and I won’t leave this broken in pieces and I’m sorry if I cut you on my..
Jagged edges
And there’s a part of me that will always believe that there’s a part of you that is always running from the truth but the truth is..
I don’t think that’s very much of it
I think we just want different things
Like different things
And when we come together it’s a force to me
And maybe to you and maybe not
But that’s ok
It’s more than I should’ve got
And I’ll keep hope burning softly
And I’ll move slowly
Unless I misinterpret it again
Try to pull you past your own stopping
But that’s a boundary for another day lately I’ve had too many ways that this has gotten far from me and from my island all I see is missed opportunity
To just be ok.
To be there.
Maybe we’re always an earthquake cuz I tend to be a tsunami and you were unintentionally incredibly calming but I let the storm get the best of me and now standing in the eye seeing the wreck of me, wreck from me..
Now I can find my way out and idk if you’ll ever not just be spinning around me
But I wanna be good for something again
And I will never stop hoping for a key to heaven (night in sin)
But just as much I’ll put my energy back in
To not being such a piece of shit friend
This is my apology
It’s to you for letting my insecurities have your voice
And not reining myself in
When you needed a friend
And it’s to me for thinking the worst of myself
When you weren’t right here too
And it’s to the days that have already passed lost to eyes stuck in the past when who knows how many there are left..
So I’ll tell myself it’s fine to feel these things
And I’ll let them go and not lose my grip
And I’ll tell you that I hope you had fun
And just try to show you I can be a better someone
And every day I’ll find new demons to face cuz it’s just been that way and I get a handle over here and the other one breaks but you know what I was still happy and I will be
Again
Give me a couple days.
Honestly I think I overthink from being away. I hope you didn’t do the same..