FoundAlongRoad

I don’t get into the details of those years and how everywhere the whispers followed me
and sometimes turned into screams
But it was every room every day
for the longest time no one stood up for me
And I didn’t know why they saw something so beautiful as so dirty
But they taught me it was dirty
That I was wrong
Still my faith in it held strong
But parts of me broke off
The loneliest feeling but I thought I found love
Young love murder
That first kiss first touch
I swear it was too much
It was everything
I’ve never found since
Well maybe once
But I was just as unwanted
But at that age I didn’t understand
How you could love my mind heart and even my lips
Accept my touch
And yet reject me so much
And I learned the hard way for years with her
Couldn’t let go
And I tried to bury my fears in other girls
Find some worth
Cuz I didn’t have any then
When she’d pick me up but then I’d be nothing
And I would plead with god to make me like my brother
Cuz everything would be easier
And she said she’d love me then
Poor baby lesbian
I was a lucky one
Sliced so much of me
So often
And let it bleed
But I lived and I scared -()- half to death
They didn’t know about the time before it
I couldn’t figure out what I was missing
And maybe to this day I’m still searching
In all these ‘straight’ women
Tell me I’m worth it
Is this the wound I’ve never been healing
Look at the broken ways I’ve been dealing
My whole life
And it combined
With only feeling like I was worth anything in bed
Cuz it was the only thing she’d accept
And all my exes reinforced it
Until they didn’t find me attractive
Mix that in my mind with my first girlfriend
If you can call her that
She put a ring on my finger and made all the promises
And she destroyed me mentally so entirely I can feel her inside me in my brain even when I don’t think about her for years
At the time I didn’t know why -()- were so scared
But I was like -(a kid)- when she started talking to me different
and she was like -(an adult)- or some shit
By -()- id already been
with the first girl
Then –()- on the floor that was sweet and didn’t mean anything to me
And she came to me then
She made me feel like I was everything
And she could show me all the secrets
I’ve always had such a curious curious dirty mind
And she said she was mine
24/7 in my ear as a teen
Like she was a part of me
Knew every little thing
And twisted it
I’ve never even trusted myself since
And she’d slowly lead me into a pit of sin
In the best and worst ways
To this day
I know I’m different
And some if it is useful
And some is embarrassing
But I’m not embarrassed anymore
Mostly
Cuz I went through hell with it
With her
The only memory I like is -()- all over that -()-
-()-
But I lost all my worth into her eyes and her voice that could make me do anything
Make me believe the stories she made up just to test me
Or just to be crazy
I was too young to get it
Thought I heard her die one night
She convinced me
Know I heard her cheat multiple times
Had friendships with fake people she pretended to be
Damn maybe this all reveals too much about me
But she paid for my phone so it was my own
And was there in my ear every day at school and every night even as I’d sleep
And when she finally left me, I was -()-, she told me it wasn’t a big deal, that it wasn’t even real
But she’d circle back for months
Didn’t know which way was up
I couldn’t breathe
And by that time I was addicted
To -()-, to adrenaline, to women
-()- all those -()- that made my life hell
And some of them were alright
I had -()- and -()- buddies
Just out of -()-
Broke up -()-
Let -()-
Let other -()-
When it never felt right to me
But I’d try so hard to please
Any woman that so much as looked at me
All these holes in me
And I loved all my friends
And yet never knew how to be good to any of them
When my broken pieces cut it all up
And looking back I see all the patterns but at the time I was just drowning and living
And I don’t talk about it again
If you’re unlucky you hear it once
When I feel like I can open up
But every time I did, it soon reinforced why I shouldn’t
When they no longer loved me or wanted to touch me
Most days
And I loved so many broken people
They’d tell me all their secrets
To keep forever but never give their heart
And I kept pouring mine out all over
Looking for a home but couldn’t even find -()-
Took giving up on living to finally grow up
And I won’t be who I was
But I’ll never be much
Like what everyone else wants
Searching for someone who isn’t real
An understanding in love that doesn’t exist
I’ve made peace with most of it but so many things lurk in me
That I can only keep buried deep
So I’ll try to speak my truth
Some things are still too painful to..
I’m pretty sure I’ve written the worst of my scars
But some just deserve
Better words
I’ll get there sometime
In the meantime
Here’s some shit no one cares about
But it feels good to get it out
Even if I can’t make it sound good
Maybe the ugly things aren’t supposed to..