FoundAlongRoad

Feel like I’m just made up of pieces of all these families that were never really mine
But they probably would’ve been if I were a guy
Maybe I would’ve been married multiple times
Or maybe not cuz it’s been legal a lot of my life
I guess I’m lucky those connections didn’t stick
But I wonder who I am in the minds of these kids
That made mother’s day cards and end up my Facebook friend
Or were too young to remember I was there every night with them
Movies of a life that could’ve been mine
Play on different days in my head
I guess I never wanted all of it
Or maybe part of me did and loves death killed this
Was always just like another big kid
Peter Pan telling their mom to take my hand
But I worked every day to give her everything
When my mental state allowed it
And I’d come so close only to break
society’s demands and my own heart
Cuz I could only give so far and when I attempted to take it fell apart
Never knew how to really open my heart
Just put it out there on a plate like this is yours now
And they never ended up wanting it anyhow
The slightest change and I’d get desperate
Thought putting up with every pain was love
But back then I was never quite a person
And everything I gave was not enough
I internalized it every time like next time I’ll do more I’ll find what’s wrong in me that makes them see the ugly and I’ll cover it with laughter and fucking but before I knew it they were touching words I’d spilled out in heartache in obsession and it didn’t take long to learn the lesson cuz they’d leave but I’d just repeat cuz I could get them in the beginning and I knew something was just missing and eventually I’d get it right but I didn’t know how to heal the wounds inside until I hit rock bottom and I’ve done that a few times but I’m still a work in progress for the rest of my life
And I’ve had two loves that were really mine
And really tried
That’s when the faults in me come to light
I was dating the wrong women but when I found right
It had me terrified
And I didn’t see the first time
That I didn’t know how to be loved
Until it had passed by
That makes it sound passive but the truth is
I was a mess and I was drowning and I took her down with
Me and broke her in ways she shouldn’t forgive
I don’t forgive me
I didn’t know how to let anyone in and when love came knocking when I was used to chasing it showed me everything I had lacked developing and how much I hated me and so I couldn’t find peace and couldn’t believe she may just want me and did I learn from this or did I just repeat you guessed it I thought I did better with the next it felt like all sides completed but then it got too heavy started panicking..
Looking back after I broke the only two people who were ever really in love with me I can’t say it was perfect or there weren’t other reasons but I see the sharp parts of me I couldn’t believe when I was in it I couldn’t stop the bleeding so I didn’t and they got covered in it and now I sit here like I know it wasn’t meant to be but you never deserved to be hurt by me and I can’t be with anyone until I learn how to love and let myself believe I am enough cuz I don’t know if that’ll ever ring true in me which means I’ll always be fighting everything and I won’t do this again.. pieces of families I could never really be in..