FoundAlongRoad

Lately I’ve been trying so hard
To sink back into my scars
To figure out what I really want
Cuz I’m so damn back and forth
And I think I’m sick and there’s no one to hold me
Hate adulting hate being lonely
But I walked away from loves heaviness for so many reasons
And I got good company and I’ve been believing
In loving my damn self
If I could just figure me out

(-)
Cuz I love you but we’re nothing real
We’d be miserable but the way you make me feel
Makes me a better me
Till I hit the insecurity
Cuz I love you but we’re nothing real
I don’t want the heaviness I wanna heal
But loving you isn’t heavy..
Tho everything on your mind weighs so much
Drags you down
I can’t save you now
Insecurity
Cuz I’m not enough to pull you up
But it’s always been this way
Treading water in your storm
Wishing I could keep you warm
Knowing I’m no savior
Anyway
Not even on my best day
So it’s good you don’t love me
And I turn away
But I dream of just taking
Our broken pieces
And wrapping them up
In temporary comfort
Doesn’t have to mean much
In my dreams I’m seeing
Holding you as you wake up
Soft sunlight we’ve never had once
Losing sight of our demons
Lightning in every touch
Letting reality escape us
And when it’s over we’ll go back to the grind
And you’ll stay in your room and I’ll go to mine
I just want the little things
Without it meaning everything
But I’ll settle for the passionate
It’s my favorite
And I don’t mind if you wanna pretend it never happened
But would it be good for us
To just pretend, to just give in
Would it be good for you
Or another thing heavy on your mind..
So I walk the line and I don’t say much
And it’s hard to be love when I have to hold it all back
Cuz to you it means more than that
And it wouldn’t be good for you..
I think there are things in you that should be released
Let the pressure off
I’ll never call you on it
How you come to me
Only when you have an excuse
I’m ok with being that for you
Sometimes it’s all I want too
The dynamic makes me feel alive..
Two separate organs my brain and my heart
And in the day I wanna take your pain away
Take you in my arms just for a moment
And at night I’m dying to start
Something we can forget in the morning
Unwrap you like fine art
And fuck you like the hurricane you are
Beautiful intensity
Crashing together like meant to be
Just physically
Chemistry
And you can forget it in the morning
Would it be release
Another thing you stamp down
I know there are so many now
But I can’t do a thing about the other ones
Cuz I’m not the one
And can’t convince you of your own worth
Some days I don’t know what this is all for
So I just let it make me better
And watch you pull yourself down
Then try not to let that turn me inside out
We all have a journey
We all can be a burden
And I’m starting to see what I don’t want and what I don’t mean to anyone
And how it doesn’t really change a thing does it
Except to watch where I act from
And so it goes..

(-)
And I remember when she used to make me feel on top of the world
Before she’d set me on fire and cut me with words
The back and forth was fun until it was too much
I love toxic not cruel
And you swear you’re different now
You do love me gentler
And still make me laugh
But now all I can see is the lack
We’re nothing real here
Who you could’ve been back when
We could’ve been perfect
But we grew in different directions
And I’ve been holding on way too long
To the missed potential
And your eyes and your kiss
When deep down I know what it is
And what it isn’t
We’re nothing real here
And baby I thought it was alright
Cuz sometimes you make me feel alive
And sometimes our hearts race
Or they ache
And I don’t want all the heaviness
I don’t want complicated
And you always wanted to be free
But the truth is you weigh on me
The choices you make the webs you weave
And how much you always need
I don’t want the stress or that energy
It weighs on me
I gave you every fucking drop
And I tell myself maybe you’ve grown up
But despite all your pouring out
I know deep down
We’re nothing real here
Not real compatible not on the same page
We really love and really love to fuck and the tears in your eyes mirrored in mine we had real love but it’s not enough
For anything real here
And I keep holding on
one foot in, one foot in a different county
I love the things you say about me
And I still hurt turning you down
You say I’ll always be yours now
And a part of me will be
So I keep holding on with just my fingertips
Wanna look in your eyes and kiss your lips
sometimes
But I don’t want heavy
And I keep waiting for all the love I always had
To come rushing back
Shove me to you
But I did a lot of work at finding my own worth
And you might be better and it might break my heart but you’re still not good for what I want
Peace
I love toxic but I need peace
I don’t mind only if it isn’t the kind that consumes me, tears my life to pieces
She’s healthy and you’re poison
You don’t mean it
You live in extreme
And I’m extremely attracted to that until it rips my sanity out to never come back
Cuz I need peace too
We used to dream of a simple life just me and you
Then you’d say ‘but you know I’ll never change’ and I knew..
And after it breaks my heart pulls away
We have nothing real here
In what would never be
A balance
We feed off intensity and our yearning
The toxicity is on point and I mean that as the most fun I’ve ever had
But you never stop running and take it so far and I don’t wanna be where you are
I’m too old not to build on calm
And you could never give that to me
I wouldn’t want you to be
Any less than everything you want
But it’s not for me
And I keep going back and forth
Trying to draw a line you can’t help but cross
then ask for too much
But I won’t do it this time
Our time has passed
So you’ll push me away but you’ll come back
It’s ok if we’re always like that
Cuz we have so much here that’ll never die

But we have nothing real

And lately I’ve been trying to know myself
Acting from the act of pushing away pain
We’ll never get this time back again
Nothing will ever be the same
And it all lives in me
What does tomorrow hold
Do I really wanna walk this alone
Is it ok to have a day lost in toxic
If I keep my lines drawn
Am I gonna go too far
Will it even matter down the road
Grab my own hand
We’ll figure it out
Sitting still till I come around
And face myself.