FoundAlongRoad

I never do alone too well
Need to be on my own but with people in the house
-()-

It’s like when people are here I can’t quite think the way I want
But when it’s empty all my thoughts won’t stop
Taking me under

I was in the kitchen in the dark and for just a moment I had the thought
How I would love to tell you about how it is living here and all the changes in my life
And then I realized.

It’s hard to still love you so much
While I hate what you’ve become
The monster in my trauma flashes
And my best friend when something happens
A part of me still wants to run to you
But it was already dying before I knew

Last time I let myself cry and think of all the good nights
Knowing that we still just weren’t right
I came back for our little boys
I’ll admit
But I let myself love you more again

It’s hard to still miss you so much
And yet remember you became a stranger
I know I pushed you away
I was so burnt out and I think I had been denying to myself
That everything you needed was what was breaking me
It wasn’t your fault but I was the wrong shape of piece
But we had love
I tried to hide away and fix me
I think I saw it written on the wall but wasn’t strong enough to walk away
Cuz we still had love
I never meant to give you up
I just needed to find me again
And I was never enough
I didn’t mean to break those promises
I felt like my essence was cracking up
I told myself tomorrow would come
But deep down I knew
We were already split into two
And I would never find the words to make you understand
Or change anything
I tried to give everything
I had

It’s hard to still love you so much
When I think of what you had me become
In your head I was the monster
So it was ok to rip me open
And it hurts so much
Everything you took to spite me
My baby and your own sanity
I can still see the look in your eyes when you wanted to fight me
Left bruises on my skin but so much deeper ones within
Once again I had pushed you to this

But this time I swear I tried and you couldn’t hear it
It’s not your fault but it’s not mine that I tried everything every time
And we just weren’t meant to bear it

It’s hard still feeling guilty for what you’ve become
When I never had malice toward you and still always cared because I always do
But you couldn’t see it
And something in you broke
I wish I wrote you that letter
But I knew it wouldn’t work
To make it any better
But maybe you wouldn’t have seen me as your monster
And became mine.

It’s hard hating you so much
For always seeing the worst in me
Cuz you still loved me anyway but I couldn’t understand how if I was really like you see
So I shouldn’t have been surprised when you let all your fears speak
Over me
And took their word
And found that nerve
To take it all out on me

It’s hard not hating you like I want to
Cuz I know your demons too well
And I still loved you too much
And yet never enough

It’s hard still missing you
Then thinking of him and feeling the rage
Then thinking of how you were my safe place
My favorite face
And heart
And how we tore each others apart
How you’re out there now cursing me
And my resentment runs so deep
For how you chose to see me
Then seek and destroy
Me mentally, emotionally
Barely held back physically
But I mostly feel numb
With flashes that bleed
Of everything we used to be
Were supposed to be
That I couldn’t be
That you couldn’t see
And the gaping wounds it all leaves.