FoundAlongRoad

The truth is I understand wanting to hurt me so badly
Cuz you can’t grasp what I always closed my eyes to
You think I did it maliciously to you
Letting us die
Loving him more than you
When really it’s just that he is pure love
And we could never be what each other needed beyond holding on for dear life and quiet nights
I can understand wanting to destroy me
To a point
With how you see it all
And I know just like our death knell from the start you simply aren’t capable of seeing it outside your feelings
And I can’t truly blame you for that
But it keeps you from putting what’s best for him first
Or treating me like a human being

In a way
The way it all ended
Is an exaggeration of how it always was
Maybe I should’ve seen it coming
Should’ve tried for the billionth time
To find a way to get through to your mind
Maybe keep your heart from wrecking your sanity
But deep down I know that’s how I’ve spent so much of my life
Just to end up here
I just never thought it would fall so far
So much fear
The cold straight through to your bones

You told me to take care of myself mentally
So I did what I needed
But I didn’t have the words to explain why that meant more isolation
Or how I had been in survival mode for so long telling myself maybe tomorrow it’d be easier that I just burned right the fuck out
And I didn’t know how to talk about it
But even if I could I know you wouldn’t really understand it
When you threw the diagnosis in my face
you who had been there as I struggled every day
And yet we still ended up with you seeing me as the enemy
There’s no butterfly effect when there was never any hope
Just stolen moments maybe we weren’t meant to ever know
And if I had been stronger back then
I would’ve walked away the first day
But I would never change the love we made
Even if it was wrapped in delusion
I would never take back loving them, loving him
Even if it’s become your best weapon
To destroy me so entirely
Like you think I carelessly did to you

And the way you see me
How you’ve always reiterated it’s so negative in intention no matter what I did and I just covered it up like it wasn’t a mortal wound or omen
Really is the nail in the coffin of needing to get away
And of the hopelessness of you ever seeing it any other way
So the logical conclusion is to break me
Of course
But I loved you so much even when I was so done
That I never saw it coming
To use him, to manipulate including your own self, to annihilate me so thoroughly
I never wanted war
By the time I realized the battle you had taken every ammunition
Like you used to take my breath away
Now you steal it in gasps and sobs at how you could see me this way
Make me your monster
And him collateral damage
Please let him be ok.
I never wanted you to be collateral damage but you’ll never see it that way
Everyone around you is wounded in your fight against yourself continually
And I tended to get lost the same
My heart still aches for your pain even as I remember your wild eyes wanting to rip me limb from limb
No need to use your hands this time
You’ve already done it
Please let him be ok.