FoundAlongRoad

Something reminded me of you, tonight
And I had the question of if I ever run through your mind
The bitter thought of being just a phase to you
And then I remembered all I’ve learned that makes me see it all anew

I know we fell so hard so fast
You were a dream I was dying to have last
But when you couldn’t find the follow-through
I painted you in black and white like the young me would always do
Now over a decade later and I can see it all more clearly
I ran away, I cheated, I tried to shut the pain out before it could tear me in two
That was all I used to know how to do
If I could say anything to you today
I wish on everything that you’re happy, that you’ve been brave, that you’ve been free, that you’re who you want to be
And that he loves you better than me
I hope you’ve picked up your broken pieces
And taken your power back
I hope that all of the light is brought into your life, in the love you have
I wish the most that you’ve learned to love yourself back

I remember nerves and longing, I was never more a teenager than when I was with you
Should’ve had the upper hand but you grabbed right onto my heart and I was brand new
Shaking fingers matched my fluttering heart
Every time your lips met mine it felt like we were art
Hours spent imagining together the life we’d live, the marriage, the kids
Like only the hopeless romantic and young can do
The truth is when you met me I was fucked up too
Toxic, struggling, and I put all that and all my love on you
When you went cold I went insane
Put you on blast, trashed myself and your name
It was cruel, after that summer, but I was cruel back just the same
If there was anything I could say to you today
I’m sorry, and I just hope you were okay
It was traumatic how you did it but I would’ve left just the same
We were on a path to destruction and I couldn’t see the flames
Maybe at a different age
I would’ve realized what was at stake
I could only see your hiding, your shame
And when you told me your secret I have never been the same
I guess I wasn’t strong enough
I used to pray your husband was better, that he knew and he’d do better
I don’t even know if you’re still together
But if I could talk to you today
I’d hope that you’ve healed as much as you can
I still wish a slow death upon that man
But I know for you it’s complicated
I just hope that you’ve found peace
And the life you want to lead
I think about the things I couldn’t grasp
Like what the consequences could’ve been
For putting you out there
And for even what you tried to do for me, risking anything, everything
I can’t help but feel so sick
Wondering if it’s part of why you married as quickly as you did
I’ll never know but I should’ve then
I should’ve known better
I couldn’t handle it
I could make sense of trauma responses but being on the other end did me in
And I did us in
But I think the universe aligned to break us
Cuz I was broken and you were searching
And we fell so deep into it
But there was nowhere to run
I dreamed of just taking you away
Maybe if you’d gone we’d have been okay
But I know better than that now
You needed an adult and you still needed your mom and I would’ve meant walking out
Neither of us wanted to admit it
You must’ve known it better than me
That you couldn’t sever everything
And I wouldn’t make you
But to be with me and not leave
Put you in danger
Real or mental either way
So if I could talk to you today
We don’t have to reminisce
You don’t have to tell me details
I just wanna say I was a mess
And you deserve better
And I pray you have better
I just hope you’re happy now

When things got real
I was spinning
And you pulled away
You always knocked me off my game
Cuz you were too real, too much to feel, to hope for
And then the nightmares haunted everything that had been so perfect
I couldn’t pick you up and run away
And I couldn’t deal with you still being there, or with the nuance of trauma
After so much love and laughter
The plans we made and the way you threw all my experience out the window
We were first love awkward
But as deep as first heartbreak
So when you started to pull away
After saying everything right
Calling me your wife
And I had felt it
Known you had
But you wouldn’t give
You took it all back
In that moment it was my past
All over again
I went insane like love had made me back then
I hadn’t healed in my disorders
You opened the box of my deepest wound
I thrashed and lashed out and I hated me and hated you
But that’s no excuse
And if I could tell you anything now
Absolve you from old mistakes
Apologize for cuts I made
And pray it didn’t wreck you
The truth is if you were alright today
If you’re happy
Then I wouldn’t open my mouth
just walk away

So many nights though I have wondered
Seeing the pieces all aligned
That if you loved me as much as you did,
If I acted as badly as I tended to,
If there were more consequences than I had realized,
What all of that did to you..
I used to scream at the sky
Begging you to just be alright
Long after you were gone
Then over the years I’d see the strings connecting
Even more possible connections
Seeing more of your side
The thought makes me cry
But maybe you just fell for him that fast
Maybe you saw my shortcomings and the way I stabbed right into our love
And you fell out of our teenage dream
Maybe in the cold light of day you could see I was only half a person
And giving you all of me but half a love
Just like you gave me all of your heart
But in the real world it wasn’t enough
We were both frozen over in our own way
Maybe you chose your fate based on your happiness
And you found your bliss
And I was just a blip of heartbreak shrouded in what ended up a mistake
I tell myself that you’re fine
But from nowhere it hits me sometimes
That I pushed you, that I didn’t understand, that I was overwhelmed by what to you was just your life, and that the complexities fed into me feeling like I was never enough, so I became a fool, treating you like you were one too
I swear we started as love
(If I try hard enough, I can still see your curls in the sun, behind that counter where I felt invincible, or falling down on me in my best friends house, and for a moment we’re just a romantic comedy, a couple kids fate intertwined, and everything is bright..)
How we ended is what haunts me
Did you make your decisions cuz you were over me, or cuz I ran to someone new, or cuz I couldn’t save you and you wanted to save yourself too…
Did it all catch up to you..
The things you feared, that swirled around us, lurking danger and homophobia
Losing loved ones
Old scars being torn open
With us it was living in the aftermath of a long bloodbath while also inside a cage
Where the guards are your family
The terrors are your every day
But they’re mostly just memory
Then a hinted glinting reminder, dropped from a venomous mouth, speckled with your blood and coated in how you just wanted to be more than what had happened to you
You always were but I didn’t know how to let that be true
When the danger was always near
The beast was to me outlined so clear
Only evil
And I couldn’t see a way out
Or how to pull you from the maladaptive coping you’d found
Who could say it was wrong
I’m sure for us what started as love ended as suffocation

But I tell myself
The truth is probably
Somewhere in between
All of my fears and doubts,
And the wishes I send toward you now
I’ll never know how any of it felt
I can barely remember what I’ve done
So I just wish the best for you somehow
And if you don’t have it I’ll never know
And it’s too late to hear anything other than what I tell myself
I’m sure all the truth to all the questions
Is somewhere in between
The what-ifs that chase me,
And the moments of our teenage dream
In between healthy and complete,
And the sacrifices life asks of you or me
So I look back on both my worst regrets and the things I never could
And moments with you make it on both lists
And we’re somewhere in between
I still wish upon the stars from time to time
That wherever you are, you’re who and where you wanna be.