FoundAlongRoad

You come home drunk and tell me you love me every time
And it makes me smile cuz that’s where our ’tisms are alike
She used to say I just had a compulsion for those three words
And I didn’t see the problem cuz I meant it and just wanted you to know

I hadn’t listened to any readings for so long until tonight
And it hit me hard when so much I had written was spelled out in the cards

I can’t even be upset when you’re all boisterous
at 1am and I gotta be up for work
I can’t even be upset with how they’re mostly men and usually male energy is gross

I just think about how I wanna be better
A little more social
Just not a damn butterfly
But I’m not ready to start tonight
I think about how you called me a hermit and I got a stab of fear that it’ll eventually get on your nerves
But I heard the affection and there hasn’t been a night you haven’t said those three words

I’m trying to balance
My darkness
And not distracting
With trying to start a new chapter
And growing
Through all this grief
And sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall
On this sense of peace
But maybe it’ll last a while cuz I’m still raw with the possibility of having nowhere to sleep
But a part of me knows even if some of that goes
I’ll still hear your laugh and feel better
Like looking at the bigger picture
I hope that never goes away
And I hope you never stop saying you love me not knowing if I’m even asleep or awake
I hope I don’t end up in circles
Trying to bury my grief
And I hope I don’t shy away from connection
Just cuz it terrifies me

I got a long way to go
To getting feeling back in my limbs
Some days it’s baby steps others I can only sit
And be in it

I feel like I’ll never feel like myself again
And yet I feel more free like the calm I wanna be
Than maybe I ever did
Now the world feels a little too wide sometimes
And claustrophobic at night
But I hope the novelty never wears off..
Or is only replaced with good things

I only have hindsight
But I’m trying so hard not to be so blind
I suppose we’ll only know in time
But when I can’t sleep anyway I don’t mind
That you’re also up at night
It’ll catch up to me later
Like everything always does
You can sleep when you’re dead
Dead tired after work tomorrow
-()-
Been given just the right amount of space and affection
Like maybe my guardian angel is looking over this
But it makes me scared to move cuz nothing stays the same
I don’t want any more change

One breath at a time
I love you too.
Smh at the antics outside
Just beyond the curtain
Maybe I’ll stay up a little while..
Good night.