FoundAlongRoad

-()-
I wait for the other shoe to drop
Then I realize she’s more like me
-()-
I think it cut me deep when you threw
The things you taught me to see
In myself
Back in my face
Like everything else
Like just another thing you thought I didn’t try hard enough with

I remember when I thought you were supportive
I know you tried to be
But you can’t see past your feelings
To how it could seem
In anyone else’s shoes
But when I first stopped fighting the words
And discovered so much that it was like coming out again
A new community and a reason for the way I’ve always been that I didn’t have words to express
The othering
Such a huge moment
And process
it was everything

And I remember when you turned it against me
I was already flailing
Maybe you didn’t mean it
We never got the chance to talk it out
I wanted to write you a letter
But instead I’ll give you these words
To never answer

I think that one summer kind of broke me
It was healing but it fed my demons too
Coming back to you was like a heated blanket it soothed the frostbite but then it burned
I had been feeling this lack of worth
Before her
And then after I’m sure it was worse
-()-
And I knew you still wanted me but I couldn’t see how
And then that summer..
-()-it darkened my doubts
There were drunken confessions that I didn’t know how to talk about
I tell myself all her reasons
But in my head I thought she was right
There was too much wrong
With me
And I brought that back to you and tried to fight it but we had our own issues
-()-
It wasn’t one of our main problems
I tried to tell you
But I’m sure it made you feel some way
I’d heard it all before in other faces and I thought I was getting better but the truth is I’m not sure
Cuz I lost the ability to give affection and it took too long to try to unpack it cuz now I’m not sure
If it was all the mess in my head trying to be what you needed
Or all the voices haunting me leaving the scars bleeding
I didn’t have enough time to try to get better
I was trying to get better
For you
When I realized that was part of the problem too..