FoundAlongRoad

It was Taylor Swift night again
In a strange place that is welcoming
I was listening to Tortured Poets
And you asked if you could coconut oil -(him)-
Ya know, the way to my heart is through -(them)-
 
I was leery of the men in your life
But they play with him, and lay on the floor with him so then they’re alright
And you’re so full of love to give
And patient with both of us
I swear I’m not in love again
Idk if I’ll ever be, after everything
It’s not last summer over again
I’m too broken for distraction
We had too much closure for too much traction
But I just think it’s serendipity how we end up where we need to be
I lost almost everything that meant anything to me
And here I am still unmoored emotionally but no longer starting to sink
Seeing healing pieces of the woman I fell in love with so long ago
Understanding more than ever it was never really about me when we broke
I know time has wounded us both
I’m no good for anything
I still hear her screaming and her wild eyes haunt me at night
It scares me I’m so numb to most of it
And scarier in moments when I’m not
You always say you’re crazy
And I’ve seen it firsthand
But sanity is a lack of dimension
And all I’ve found in being here with you
Is a peace, in your voice and your innocence you don’t think you have
I know I’ll always love you, a bit like that
I swear I’m not in love again
But I love you for the same things I did back then
And more so for all the growth
I see the dark and light and peaks and holes
We’re all still playing keep away from our demons
Sometimes they win sometimes we beat them
I just think it’s magical that for no matter how long or short
We can still find beauty through the dark

I was listening to Clara Bow
And at the end I heard you arguing
With your boyfriend
It sounded more real than usual
As you told him to ‘fuck off with his white shit’
And went off in a way that’s hard to find around here
And I told you I love you, couldn’t help the grin
You make me wish men weren’t all differently- wrapped-garbage
For you
I think yours has a good heart
But I thought your second husband might’ve too
I see the regret you try to hold back
So it doesn’t kill you
And I think about the way you talked about him when you were falling in love
Like your namesake
Breaking my heart for some white guy with a beard
But he was funny and his eyes crinkled when he smiled
At the time it was devastating
Later on hearing how it turned on you just made it more painful
You talk about this new one a little like you did him, do you hear it?
But it doesn’t hurt like it did
A tiny prick in a phantom limb
You both deny our importance and admit to it sometimes in the same breath and it both stings and I soar and I’m left in a little confusion but I can only laugh cuz it’s all love anymore
While overall I’m still bleeding out from everything
With her
I know you are too,
From him
around the wounds you tried to stitch without really looking
So I don’t have jealousy just so much apprehension
You settle for too little, always did
maybe he’ll be different
cuz now I see your difference
I swear I’m not in love
I know we’re not eachothers one
I never wanna force the pieces that just don’t fit
I don’t even know right now how to be a fucking person
I tell myself slowly I’m learning
And you remember things
And inside your hurricane you give me a calm I was missing
What can I give you back
When I’m all curled up on the inside and I can’t get back
I tell myself I’m slowly learning
Cuz I know I’m not in love
No one will feel like home the way she did..
But all the ugliness leaves gouges in the memories of happiness
And I don’t feel like a person
I don’t think I deserve a soft place to land
Waiting for the rug to be pulled out
But then you tell me you can overcome a curse if she tried
I know I have a type
But waking up alive I try to find the joy and I see it in the slivers of moments I’ll never forget
And sometimes I hear you laugh and my heart skips
But I’m not in love
Maybe never again
I know it wouldn’t be right to love like we did we only had just an instant if it wasn’t all just fiction if you can even call it love, I know for me it was but I was twisted up
It all feels like another lifetime, most of the time now
I know what your broken heart wants
I know my tendencies to jump
But we’re not gonna fall in love
At least not like everyone thinks it looks like
I just find it beautiful that after all the years so rough
The way things are now is beautiful
I know the storms will come
I don’t know who will survive them
So I catalog the moments where I remember it’s all mesmerizing..
I’m thankful, and it’s enough.