FoundAlongRoad

I know the way I’m crashing in
Instead of out
Makes it sound
Like I wanted everything
But I swear I didn’t
I only wanted what came naturally in this
It just was so much..
To begin with
Pruned too far made to die off
And then even after in wanting nothing more than the closeness
The communication is toxic
Like that’s just how life is
When I’m the one there all the time
And you’re fighting with everyone and your own mind
But you know you do it to yourself
It’s so hard to watch the correlation
The thick black screaming line between
contact with him
And you losing it
In every part of your life
When you just wanna live n drown in cinnamon n denial for now
Cuz he doesn’t make you face your demons
He just personifies one in a way
You think you can take
And ride and tame
A way that doesn’t make you make time
To heal
But it also dims you, shorts you, in a way everyone else can feel
In a way that manifests as suddenly everything is stress
Even when you laugh with him
You aren’t yourself again
And the things he did
The ones you can excuse away
Because they have a face
They come with oxytocin n a lack of grace
that doesn’t force you to examine the wounds
that led you to excusing abuse.
I’ve been there too n watched far worse
But it started like this, asking to stay cursed
Cuz it’s comfortable
Chaos addiction n (Avoidant) attachment
As everything gets worse
It’s the hardest having seen the progress
The colors reflected when you started
To let go, to let them show
Everything felt lighter it was in your eyes
But then the tough part the dark nights
Lead to thinking it would be easier to do it your way
In your own time
Toxicity is a trickster
And everything gets worse..
Until eventually you become
Everything you should’ve ran from