FoundAlongRoad

Take 2

I swear I’ll break this cycle
I promise I won’t make the same mistakes
Addiction to a muse never leaves anything but ruin and writing that feels half baked
Just some lessons learned through pain
So when the sun hits her freckles or she cuts her eyes a certain way
And I feel the ink rising in my veins
I’ll turn away
A thousand pages I won’t write
Go back to the other stories in my mind
Concentrate
On anything else
She’s not my Yo not my Faye
I’m only a tendril of smoke curling
Around her life
I’m not a tortured poet
This isn’t a romantic comedy
I’ve had months of regrowing
My humanity
Learning how to sit in energy that calls to me
And not sink so deep
Not wrap it around me like I can be
The answer to anything
She’d ever need
I’ve had a few chapters on letting go
Of what isn’t meant to be
Shiny new personality
Like a siren song to me
Blinking danger lights in my mind
And I grab on to the lack in me
Like snapping a rubber band on my wrist
Don’t do this again
Don’t try, don’t wish, don’t desire
And then everything you learn will be more genuine than this fire
Up to it’s old tricks
It’s an illusion like getting high on the hard stuff
Feel on top of the world until the bubble busts and all you have is looking back
At ice under a car crash
And you can’t touch that summit again
No matter how you chase it, claw at it, get more desperate
And the good times get lower but at least they still feel great
Then every time, you break
Against the rocks, against the light of day
Against her regret, rejection, your own self loathing that you reached for more than what could ever be yours as much as any connection ever is and put it all at stake and now it’s severing what could’ve been great if you just didn’t have that damn itch under your skin saying it could be even more than this
Than what it is
Never satisfied and writing like you’re running out of time
And maybe you are maybe not
But then you do, every time
Cuz you pull the boulders down
Cascade
You just can’t stay away
From that line
That high
The what ifs and deep sighs and dying to see the look in her eyes when she’s bared open at night from laughter, from sharing trauma, from between her knees when all she can see is your eyes
The invincibility of being worth something, when she laughs likes she’s caught off guard and can’t hold it in, when she speaks softer about truths, breath catching but pushes through, or when she can’t catch it for a few beautiful minutes or hours wearing only moonlight
Then you crash from the high, dive right off of the rise, if you even make it to the peak to get just a peek a glimpse of a life that will never be and then it torments you within needing it more every time or in the build up that never reaches climax you go so far you can never come back cuz it’s only a matter of time until you come up short until you cross a line you tell yourself you didn’t see hiding when really you knew it was the one especially for you that says you’re not the one who will break through these hetero-normative walls or ever be enough at all but you thought maybe it’ll be different this time and so you only have yourself to blame that you kept trying..
Not this time. I set my own boundaries I have new standards
I know I’ll never be the picture of what they want to see
And that just means they aren’t the one for me and it’s been a long trek making peace
Sometimes it’s so hard to stay clean
But there’s a lot of ground between
The places out of reach and where we start as strangers
Getting lost among the green not worrying about how far we get
Seeing the forest for the trees
Is the more beautiful thing.