FoundAlongRoad

I was waiting for it
I thought of you and the tears started
For the first time
I wanted to apologize
I know you don’t deserve it after how you reacted
Cuz when I tell the story it’s “I’m not sure what I did, that made her hate me like this, I guess she felt neglected”
But we both know it’s both more and less
Or maybe just I do
That’s a depressing thought
No one else knows the whole truth
Cuz they weren’t in it
But we only know our sides
Our perspective
I can make myself feel enough of yours but you never believed it or saw enough of mine
You never saw how hard I tried
Am I the only one who sees
The way the cracks go so deep
I’m not trying to make excuses anymore
I know that I was the one who knew from day one what you were capable of
And what you weren’t
And I fell in love with the soft side of you that showed me what it felt like
Just once
To be loved the way that I do
Like I was your whole universe
And it made me wanna love healthier
Cuz even as it covered my wounds
And built back my legs to stand on
Thanks to you
It still felt a little artificial in the desperation
In the times you’d scream about -()- or when you’d -()- just cuz I needed a minute to myself or maybe somewhere else
And I know a lot of how I cope isn’t okay
Or how I choose to stay
When I must know deep down I can’t be what you need to feel better now
I can take that blame
I must have made them all feel this way
Like I do now
So I do know your pain
I was always in your shoes
Maybe that’s why I held on so tight cuz I know how it feels from your side and wanted to be the one to not throw it all away..
But I was in love with the soft side
And the laughter
Until it drew farther away
And I could see your wounds cuz I’ve had them too but I tried to fight against the inevitable cuz of what we grew no matter how fragile and maybe I was just trying to shut every cut they had all given me by loving you and wrapping up in your codependency
Maybe there’s no healthy love in the real world
Cuz everyone’s so fucked up I can’t be sure
But when I felt alone surrounded by people I thought of you and how you always chose me and I felt so sorry for ever making you doubt that I chose you too..
I guess I did eventually stop choosing you
It was way past our time
But I wouldn’t trade one second of the good times
And yet if I had been healthier in the beginning
And more honest with myself
We never would’ve happened at all
But we did and now it hurts a bit when I remember feeling like you’d choose me no matter what when no one here feels like I can open up
Truthfully with my ex it’s energetic so I don’t feel like I need to, or like I couldn’t
But when it comes to love and feeling like I’m not enough or nights going out when her bf acts just like I used to before I became this shell
I think of you and how I thought you understood that I couldn’t be normal again if I ever was I didn’t have the energy to mask about it anymore but you had always chose me anyway
I think you stopped choosing me too
When I couldn’t live up to the dream anymore
When life had me beaten n I couldn’t get off the floor
So I’m still sorry
I know I made you crazy
But I was always kind and I always tried to get you to be able to talk to me to try to force the impossible and I never purposely hurt you
And I still remember your rage and how I’m in this spot right now cuz you don’t care if I live or die and I’ll never see his little face again and my tears come down from anger now so I had let myself cry for a moment the other night but then fuck you. Fuck you forever. I hope you’re doing well cuz it’s not your fault underneath it all and cuz he needs you.. but I hope I never see you again.
Release the feelings and back to the present..
Sometimes I think it’s easier to just be burning..