FoundAlongRoad

Spent all day manic and trying to be honest with myself
Trying to make sure I’m not doing that thing I do
Jumping in with both feet to something that won’t even hold me
To make something beautiful from this grief
Or aside from it I guess

And I think I’m doing well
Sometimes I fantasize
And sometimes I wonder what if
Cuz I still have feelings
I am made of less water more feelings
But that terrifies me
Cuz every time I say I’m gonna learn
Not bandage the hurt
Not throw my whole life at her
I’ve always failed
And I refuse to be
Who I’ve always been
Not with this
And not after everything
But I’m not the person I was the other week
I will never be..
When I need grounded I just let the walls slip and I’m surrounded by this grief
Reminding me
This is not every time before
I’m not that person anymore

And then in this I feel like we’re so close to the same page
And that also grounds me
We know we’re not meant to be
Atleast not each others main romantic lead
I think we have a deep connection
Maybe it’s our moon’s reflecting
I know I’ll always love you
But I could never be what you need
And I think I’ll always want you
But I made hard won peace
With not making it out to be
More than it is
Or begging it to fit a fantasy
So acknowledging having feelings is scary
We know what happened the other summer
But I think I saw so much potential in her
To be together
It took too long to realize she’ll spend a lifetime unpacking
Just to get to where I need a partner to be
And that’s only if she wanted
And eventually I could see
She would never take that plunge
But with you we already align on the important stuff
But I’ve learned from seven years in and out of heaven with her
That that’s not actually enough
And we already know where we come up short
So when I start to freak out
I remember it’s different now
We’re different
And in a good place
And it grounds me

But today was so fucking hard trying to be an adult and missing who she used to be but raging and then seeing my little boy and my heart just disengaging
To stay with him
I know I’m -()- and I need to sleep
Tomorrow I’ll find moments of peace
But I also know this time its forever
I can’t even mourn us properly
When she’s turned into a strange enemy
So every day it hurts
So everyday I appreciate being here n I get a little lost in wanting comfort and connection
But then I remind myself I’m still alive cuz I gotta find myself
And I’m ok.
For this breath, maybe the next
It comes and goes away.
And it’ll always be this way..
Sometimes the realization just makes me dissociate..
But then that’s nothing new though the depth I’ve been pushed into I can’t touch my feet
But for now I’ll just try to sleep
So much to be thankful for
And luckily I’m still alive to mourn the rest
I suppose this is the era of my test
And there’s no room to fail
Only keep trying
Or atleast breathing when I can’t manage rest..