FoundAlongRoad

I try so hard over and over again in my head
I know your demons well enough
I’m not ignorant of what I’ve done
I try to put myself in your shoes
I want so much to understand
But down every thread there is the truth
I would have never done this to you
Not even a little bit
So how can I try to wrap my head around how much you hate me now and how you can still be the victim
When no matter how dark I make my role
If it was reversed I would have to lose my entire soul
To do the things that you’ve done..
I saw the hurt the hate in your eyes
I heard your wailing singular pov cries
But in the moments where I find all the sad for the pain I never meant to give you and I just feel fucking bad knowing how it must have stripped you
To the core
There’s a burning wall between the empathetic guilt and my heart
Because no matter how deep I go into your darkness
I can’t really understand being broken enough to be so heartless
But then I’ve never stopped loving anyone I ever did
Even if I never wanted to see them again
After the hate the pain creates I always had clarity
And even if they were horrible, I couldn’t relish their heartbreak
Never in this way you do
I guess you could say I haven’t been decimated like you must feel I did to you
Except I’m pretty sure I’ve been there before and for sure right here now there’s no limit to the pain, like you’ve given heartbreak and insanity a new definition just for me..
I thought I had felt tortured before
But this is more than crimes of war
And I still would never do the same..
I can’t even wish bad things your way even though I want to hate you in the purest way..
I had still hurt hearing your words even in the middle of this war you needed to make
I would’ve given so much to have a way for you to understand and not break
But it was always that way ..
I had good intentions but actions that fed into your trauma
I don’t talk about how the truth is it was the same for me with you, cuz I knew it wasn’t on purpose
But blaming me is your way of coping..
And now your intentions are so bleak, I feel out of this world wondering how you can even say you ever loved me..
They say love and hate are a fine line and I’d say maybe pain or resentment
From being vulnerable
But I’ve never thought what’s really love was supposed to ever be able to turn so evil
So did you love me too much and hurt so much that you just want me to feel the pain you think I deserve for not loving you enough
That’s not my truth but I know it’s how you feel
Or did you lose the feeling and what broke between us wasn’t even really love..
If it turned this way into so much hate
You can’t say it’s just doing the right thing for you
Or for him
When the only need for it to be so ugly, when the thing I saw in your eyes..
Is wanting to cause me pain.
Congratulations.
You fucking win.
For All Time.