FoundAlongRoad

Sometimes I wonder how long it will take me to be myself again
If it’s buried under so many scars will I ever feel safe enough to let it surface
And I wonder how long of not acting like me
Before I’m just not that person anymore
I can’t remember the last time I made you laugh
That used to be the air I breathe
The goofiness that felt like release
But for so many years it was too much for her and so I got used to holding back
And now sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever know who I really am
Or if this is just me now
And that’s devastating
If I’m not the best in bed
Cuz the more attractive you are the worse I get
And I don’t keep you laughing at my stupid antics
Cuz I stay so locked in I can’t even find them
Then what do you even love about me
Who even am I anymore
Just a sequence of wounds in various stages of healing and bleeding
Pouring out all over you
I was in a period of quiet
Trying to find myself again
When you came into my life
And I just wasn’t there yet
I don’t think I’m all here yet
And I’m scared every time I get cut open again that I’ll never figure out how to love myself the rest
Of the way that it’ll take
To show you my personality
I wonder what I look like through your eyes
I’m not sure I’d like her
Or recognize her
But I guess I must have more than I thought to offer
If you haven’t had the best of me
And still you love me
That’s what I tell myself when it’s hard to see how to not hate me cuz why the fuck should it be
So hard.
I always hid it, only a select few saw more than a few pieces
Cuz it’s definitely enough to say I’ve cracked up
But I loved it
Maybe favorite thing about me
And around my chosen family I could go for hours, days, bouncing between chill and the stupidest wit you’ll ever hear anyone say
Now I think back to how many times my hyperness started a fight
And wonder when it disappeared so entirely
Who am I
How did I get this way
Too much burn out
Too many times told to shove it away
But id talk to myself
I was always my favorite company
Now I wanna be like that with you
Maybe I’m terrified you’ll react the same way
That she did
Or that if it’s at the wrong time I’ll end up insulted
And if I drag it forward from my depths only to be rejected
Idk if I’ll ever find it again
Or if it could be the thing that breaks me being sick of holding back all of my feelings
Could set my temper free
Maybe I am just scared of me
Of how deep it all hurts me
Of how I don’t feel worthy
The weakness in me
Maybe I think I must’ve deserved everything
So I keep taking this like punishment
But have a hard time believing in the praise
You must see good in me
But maybe it’ll change
Maybe I’m scared to really be me and be happy
Cuz then if you don’t like what you see
Or even stop loving me
Than the things I love about me
Will dig my own grave
And if I keep them to myself
They can’t be judged by anyone else
And can’t push you away
I think this trauma really got to me
Like there’s a wall between all this grief
And who I used to be
Who I wanna be
And I let every cruel word put another brick in it
When I wanna step over them and still let you in
I do, with everything, except action
My tables turned upside down
Do I drink the bottle that makes me bigger or smaller
How do I know before I take a taste
My brain isn’t wired for blind faith
In myself
Only in you
I’ve always let me down
And I’ll let you down too
I already do
Maybe that’s why I forgive about anything
Cuz I know I need forgiveness
Understanding
Of how im wired different
And loving myself isn’t enough
When my heart is yours
They don’t tell you that part before
I always wished there was a machine
To experience each other’s brains
Consciousness
Cuz words fall short
And whole lives are lost in miscommunication
And I won’t lose us.
Pulling back wayward pieces of me
Blow the dust off
Be patient please
I don’t work like you
These synapses are connected differently
But I swear I wanna give you everything
You can decide to love or reject me
Idk what you see now but I swear there’s more if I can just find.. me.