FoundAlongRoad

All bottled up lately
Realize I do a lot of listening but don’t let much out
Every time I do I feel anxiety
If not for him I would’ve exploded by now
I think I keep waiting cuz you’re who I wanna talk to
but I’ve also been like this a while
I remember the things I had in my head
She didn’t wanna talk about
Some she’d tolerate if they were harmless
But didn’t wanna hear the hard stuff
Told me it was too much
And I never really was able to open up
Since I was a teenager and abandoned
By my first love
and my best friend
Then my other half
It all compounded
In every relationship
Where I felt more than they did
And slowly that part of me shut down
The last nail was that last best friend walking out
But I had already lost myself
I sank so far into every woman who couldn’t love me the way I wanted
But had magnificent scars begging for something
I never fit right
And still I tried
Until I had learned so deeply
There wasn’t any room to be me
And they’d just leave anyway
I ran so far from the pain it became this part of me
Like how I lost the ability
To give affection
It happened slowly
I wasn’t paying attention
To what in me was shutting down
To make space for their needs
Suddenly I had someone who would choose me
And I couldn’t figure out how to be human
Tried to unpack my baggage
But the truth is
You couldn’t handle all of me
And I couldn’t give you what you needed
We healed each other and broke ourselves
Until we hit that wall and crushed each others hearts
And I could see looking back
I was burnt out
While trying to learn how
To find a safe place for my inner thoughts
So lonely in a crowded room
And differently even with you
I knew the part of me that reached easily
For physical intimacy
Had been broken long ago
But it wasn’t a priority
With so much else shattered in me
Now I miss bitching bout the daily
And feeling the comfort that you gave me
But I don’t miss the anxiety that made me
Twist myself into something else
Instead of healing me
Then you took away any sense of safety
I never meant to drive you to it
I was just surviving with no give left for doing
The things you needed
When I was trying to hold the fraying strings together
Of my sanity
But Fuck you for believing the worst of me
Fuck you for not being able to understand me
And how hard I fucking tried
How broken I was inside
Your only answer was therapy
When even more I needed a minute to breathe
I needed to not be under pressure every second to make money and ignore my pain and socialize more when my battery was drained
I always tried to give you that grace
And I know it’s not your fault you couldn’t see why I couldn’t just get help and be better
There’s not enough blood in me to give to juggle all the bad weather and be what you needed
And I ran myself dry to try and then I did what I needed took the time and you thought it was taking my love from you
I didn’t have the words to explain when I couldn’t breathe anyway
In the middle of the chaos slowly learning why I felt like I’d been run over
Mentally too, all the time
I know I pulled away
But you took it so maliciously
Let it fuel you wanting to break me
Hurt me emotionally the worst that could ever be and not care if I lived on the street
Then put on top the violent cherry
I killed myself trying to fit in boxes that wouldn’t hold me
Because you needed me to
I blocked out everyone I loved
Learned to shut up
Because you needed me to
And cuz it was the only way I knew how to love
Especially when you continued to take
And when I fell short and short circuited
Still trying to keep us above the water
Locked down cuz I didn’t know how to explain that I couldn’t go any farther
Not cuz I didn’t love you
Even when I was miserable
So I guess I deserved some of the carving up
For making you feel like you weren’t loved
but you decided I did it on purpose
Like you never knew me
And you decided to treat me like im worthless
And chase me down with violence in your eyes
Screaming at me to own the way you chose to see my side
I should’ve known a long time ago
But you never think they could hate you so much when you’re not capable of hating them like that
It was a few steps back and treading water
Still trying to give you all I had there just wasn’t much left
And that was enough for you to decide I was your devil
I saw the wild in your eyes
The bruises on my skin
If she hadn’t been there would I have even lived
How do you hate like that..
How do I mourn what we had
When you didn’t just destroy it it’s vaporized
The very atoms that felt our love
Defy reality to become
Nonexistent
Now I’ll cry the rest of my life
Not for the woman who was almost my wife
Who could never absorb me
Not for the potential in the times we felt right
Or how one argument could make you -()-
Next to -()-
But for the fur babies and the innocent party
That will never understand
Why I can’t ever hold him again
Those are my kids
-()-
And I couldn’t lose another I cared for like back then
I couldn’t fix it when I couldn’t fix us
But you know how I feel about my four legged babies
The attachment
And you just hated it
Took me away from him
Said it’s better for him
When it was just cuz you needed the support
And to hurt me the worst you could go for
I would’ve been selfless for their happiness
But nothing is objective to you
Therein lies how we were always doomed

Now I’m trying so hard to break patterns
But where do I open up without vomiting too much
Cuz if it feels safe I’ll never stop
It might never stop
And I could be wrong
Always too much
And nowhere looks like an opening
Or a promise
Even an attempt that feels like I’m wanted
I’ve always needed too much prodding til I can’t hold it in then I’ll let too much out at the least bit of anything and then it’s over again..
I can’t do that this time
She is the only invisible string left to me tied to the strongest I’ve wanted almost anything and I need time
So it’s not like everything else
So I’m not still filled with hell
And until it comes naturally
So I’m trying to break patterns but it cycles just the same
Just wedging in a little change
Knowing being alone is plan b
Picking chosen family
And just trying
To break patterns.