FoundAlongRoad

All this negativity wells up so suddenly
I know how to ignore it
But it’s still cutting me
I feel the burn when it builds
And I hear it telling me
Fuck all this what is happiness do whatever you gotta do to feel anything that isn’t pain
Isn’t that what got me here in the first place
It’s not who I wanna be
But what I’m trying to grow into feels so far away
Like I know I’m getting better but those demons are on my heels when I’m weak when I’m down when there’s all this empty space now
And the screeching in my head says I’ll never be good enough
Body breaking down and I’ll never look good enough
Will lose my job lose my mind
I’ve always just been a fuck up
Couldn’t figure out how to love past the abstract
Can’t even give a hug when I’m stuck so far behind these walls just staring out like remember when we used to be human remember when we weren’t so fucking useless got nothing to offer and if I did I’d just twist it before I knew what I was doing I’d just break it anyway they all left for a reason and I’m doing my deep breathing telling these wounds to stop screaming, that I’ve grown since then and I know I went to a dark pit and maybe I’m not good for anything
Or anyone
But I can live with it
I can’t live with not trying, with just rolling over and dying
Maybe life hurts more than giving up
That’s why they call it the coward’s way out
But I’m not sure
Cuz when I had that gun in my mouth
I didn’t feel strong enough to pull the trigger
Just by a little
Thank the universe every day that I didn’t so I can’t just spit in it’s face and say you gave me lemons so I chose to starve anyway
I’ll never be those well-adjusted faces I see
Holding maturity and security, knowing how to connect correctly
And sometimes I’m mad I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid
All those fucking tests and shrinks and pills how did you miss this
I could’ve been something
I could’ve not lost my memory my sanity chasing edges, making -()- and making love to women that thought it was just a fuck
Spent years struggling to make phone calls
Much less go to college
Not that there was money for that but if they’d realized why I was so different there would’ve been before I turned my brain to mush before I fucked my whole life up, from my teeth to the people that cared about me
From my trauma to my spine, my heartbeat
Now I’m 33 feeling 65 but still 22 inside
Scared of so much in this world but Why
There aren’t any real fucking rules except try to stay out of jail and not die
I haven’t cared what people think since I was a teen and saw that they all have their own flaws and insecurities and I’m the only one that has to live in my mind so I should make it beautiful where I spend my time but I went too deep I never came back cuz it’s better there but then I wanna feel something real and I see-saw back n forth not ever totally in one world cuz I feel inadequate here like I wasn’t meant for this mess and can’t fix it so I’ll make my space better and fuck the rest but the outside still wears on me cuz that’s where the real connections be and I’ve been starving since I was a little kid for that one connection that will understand
Me.

Now I’m on night schedule -()- cuz the nighttime suits me but I gotta be up in the morning for the one that makes me more money cuz we’re about to be homeless like I was the other week and I just gotta have a spot for my now only dog to have a good life and to try to heal these parts of me and see if I can still be
Human.
Or anything good. Not based on capitalism or internalized misogyny but a good that means something to me, where I can have the experiences I live for without going over the cliff anymore but I’m a writer inside and the cliches are true we gotta cross every line to feel it too
But I wanna be better, simple, healthier, funny again. I wanna remember how to speak in a crowded room cuz crowded to me nowadays is anyone more than just me and you.
I wanna find that deep part of me that’s so hurt and yearning and teach myself not to try to fill it in another person..
I wanna be able to love the people in my life and maybe a certain one in a way that’s right
Where I don’t lose all of me and I relearn how to be ok with myself and love unconditionally but not all consumingly
To learn how to reach out with these hands and not just my feelings to show I care
Even my words need work anymore, I used to never shut up when did it get beat down so far that I have trouble opening my mouth much less these walls..
This world tears us down but I’ll be damned if I’m going out
Like this.