FoundAlongRoad

Maybe I needed the drink to let out the hurt cuz I’ve been torn and angry and finding the peace but tonight I feel the pain but in it there’s relief in the release of letting it settle and still being able to breathe maybe barely but that’s all I need and if I don’t think about him I can survive this grief until I think how she’ll never want me and then it’s too deep that first wound haunting me reinforced by every lover since and in how you hate me and in how her bf thinks I could inspire jealousy when she never looked at me like she did any of them like she does at him and it isn’t the same bleeding it’s all scarred over and this new chapter heals me but under that is still the insecurity brought forth when I remember how you were supposed to always choose me and now you just wanna hurt me and maybe I am that worthless that i couldn’t handle it and had a hand in all of it turning to this cuz of course I did and I didn’t realize I’m talking to you in this, fuck you. And I’m so sorry. And fuck off. This is about me but then isn’t everything but then I lose myself molding into what they need and then I fail and I flail while I bleed holding on while shattering until I let it break me and kill any of their feelings that remained and isn’t that what I’m doing with her too in a different way but it’s the same when I can’t give her any space cuz I’m terrified I’ll lose her but you can’t lose what you don’t have and I’m causing that, pushing her away by being too much of what she doesn’t want and earlier I was proud of myself for not making mistakes tonight and not losing control and for letting myself process and heal maybe even connect with what’s real but then it put me in touch with how bad I’m still fucking up and idk how to stop and I was happy i had found the line tonight and not let my sadness over it to spill onto her or break me down but sitting here now I can feel how little control I’ve had when it comes to getting her back in my life and how did i get into this cycle of pulling instead of letting her be i guess like always I internalized my mess and couldn’t see even though I knew i was doing too much I didn’t let myself feel it cuz it was safer to self sabotage and now I have feelings leaking out all over the place but I can handle it and I will handle it, but in this I have to do better so for tonight I need to let myself feel the pain so i can be different at the break of day. I’m always too late.