FoundAlongRoad

I thought I had everything once
As in as close as I’d ever get
being in love with my best friend
But day one I saw the pieces missing
I chose to love her anyway
I’m glad I did it
And that story ended a couple lifetimes ago
It’s been so long now
Since I learned to love myself
And never settle even if it meant never being with anybody else
I believe in love, for others
I see it in rarity and find it in fiction
But I made peace with knowing it was never meant for me
My brain was in fact too different
I was happy to have experienced what I had
And settled in enjoying every moment like my last
I finally hit a wonderful place for me mentally
But do you know what happened
Almost at the anniversary of when I thought I’d die
I found that connection I’ve been yearning for in vain my entire life
That makes it sound heavy but I swear it’s light
I’ve never been able to just let it flow and not hit a wall
I’ve never been able to just be me and not get in my head
I find the beautiful in every connection but this is so different
I can’t even put it into words
I never felt like enough
Never felt understood
I would pull love from potential and drown in the seams while ignoring the holes in them and in me
I’ve written so many beautiful things cuz I feel it all deep
And she makes me wish I’d never written anything
She deserves all of the words
And don’t get it twisted
If she changes her mind
We can be in platonic love forever
And I won’t regret one night
Cuz I’ve never been able to feel like a person
Or act from the best of me and not what I lack
And not for one second has she made me feel bad
Or anything less than enough
In any label or situation
How does a person so incredible
Mesh so well with the chaos of me
I know I get high and then crash
I chase what could be and hold on through my backtrack
Like warming molds of love until they soften to fit me
And they never did so entirely
Let me make myself clear I’ve been waiting to die
At any random time
And in it I found everything I ever needed
Appreciated, loved everyone in my life and the way I created it
Changed it
Except for a person, whatever the bond, that doesn’t make me diminish me
Or just not find the page I’m on
I’ve said I could die happy cuz I had everything I ever thought I could and became the best I thought I could
While still in motion
Knowing that deepest need forever stood
Empty.
And it was ok if I went out that way.
But if I die tonight don’t you dare cry cuz on the eve of the end of the world
I fell in the start of love with a girl
That for the first time has me not hiding not forcing not masking
No drop after the adrenaline is gone
Her energy healed a part of me I didn’t know existed
Just by the hours of conversation and the crinkle of her nose when she laughs a certain way
By how I don’t feel delusional, I uncovered how to act from the act of manifesting
I’ve never had words fail me so thoroughly in trying to describe a feeling
Like the fictional worlds I read where the characters
Communicate intentionally easily
Banter and just fit like it’s meant to be
Cuz their messes just go together to make something magical
I thought it was exaggeration and maybe there were a few in the real world
But then we just slipped into talking like this
I wouldn’t believe myself I’d 302 myself if I wasn’t the one in it
And I know she’s human and I know my faults will pop out
And I know that maybe it’s not meant to be romantic love
If it isn’t what she ends up wanting to want
I’m more aware than the prose makes it seem
But let me be clear
In the timeline of my life
This is the peak
No matter where tomorrow takes me
Unless we go even higher
But if it all ends next week
I got everything I ever wanted in this sterling perfect moment
And for a few days I was the best me
And touched the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen
Plus my son is right beside me
My family is ok
The world is fucking ending
Sorry, not to make it about me
But it’s probably a little my fault
Cuz of the balance of energy
In this little corner of the world
I’ve experienced a miracle
For an indeterminate amount of minutes
The world itself stopped turning.
And I’ll always have having been in it.