FoundAlongRoad

I finished The Gargoyle again
It didn’t affect me as much as the times before
And yet my heart aches
Throughout it I was reminded of -()-
Yearned to share it with her
For her to actually know me

At the end it made me think of -()-
The kind of love I thought we had

Lately I feel very lonely
I know I felt that with both of them
But with -()- I had a best friend and a version of.. something more.
And -()-, my boys, my heart.
With -()- I had sweet illusion, delusion, the blind hope that she could soften and calm and eventually really see me, really be herself..
Lately I’ve been admitting that at some point that timeline branched away to the one we currently live in where that will most likely never happen
Can not happen

I love -()- and yet I fail him
As I do everyone and everything..

I am full of grief and regret and yet the knowledge that in the moments I couldn’t have done anything any other way..
And still this unshakable feeling that my life was never supposed to end up this way..
I know I’m lucky
To even be able to function, to work, to think, to read, to try to love..
I keep thinking lately about fearing the future, fearing death and illness and change..
Being grateful for what I have and yet so deeply feeling what I’ve lost..
What I never had..
What is right within my grasp and yet never will be..
My heart hurts and I have no one to tell about it..
Except my sweet lonely -(puppy)-
I can try to write to her, lessons in futility cuz I can never give up on a good fantasy.. on potential that is simply not meant to ever be recognized in this life..
Idk what to say to her, the drugs in her system, the space between, those three words she said that mean so goddamn much and yet sound so hollow to me, with nothing behind them but fear and trauma and foolish belief in fantasy..
And yet I’m lucky, here, missing food and my teeth and a home that doesn’t feel like a hallucination..
I’m lucky to be here with this job she pushed on me, able to be alive, to heal, to feel the heartbreak, to soak in the feeble sun when it comes up as Summer fades and seasonal depression sets in, in more than one way..
I am alive.
Alive enough to feel this ache..
To create a life on the fringes of living that feels right to me
Tinged with lonely and no desire to experience more disappointment..
And yet still desperately trying to find the words for her, knowing they won’t help the ache within or the unfixable brokenness..
But I am lucky, I am here, I am alive.
The ache in my chest reminds me that I am.