FoundAlongRoad

And it all spins round in my head
So many things I’ll never hear said
The truth is I wouldn’t know what to do if she did
I mean I would but I wouldn’t
Self imposed exile
Cuz something in me doesn’t come together right
Missing bolts no matter how hard I try
The gap that’s never been bridged
This this is the way I live
Add a dash of insecurity
From everything they took from me
And I haven’t even dipped my fingertips in the familiar
Not for lack of chance
The old me would jump at that
This new me doesn’t quite sit comfortably
In this skin
In these teeth
I’ve grown insulated in all this time it took to heal me
Wrenched hard truths and scars above the deck
Held my demons by the neck
Only to see my reflection in them
Hollow with things I’ll never be
Defensive of what no one else sees
Or only ever without clarity
I built this mind brick by brick
Chipped by all that was thrown at me
For so long left a mess
But I put it together again
Now it doesn’t fit in
The mold everyone expects
But I protect the parts I’ve come so far to know
To understand
Like no one ever has
Now it’s mine it’s all me
I don’t need validation after all of the undertaking
But sometimes it’s lonely
And every time I am reminded of what could be labeled inadequacy
The tinge of shame flares up again
I can’t seem to wash it clean
When part of me always knows what’s missing
But cant just add it in
I wouldn’t wanna be different
But a little more human would be easier
What would I trade though
Nothing I’ve had to stitch back from broken limbs
Except when I think of love
As it currently exists
Not the impossible concept I dream of
The one that would fit
But the one made of freckles and meandering conversation
That’s lately always in my head
It’s just a pipe dream and yet the truth is
I wouldn’t wanna get a chance and fail
Cuz I’m always half pretending to be real
I don’t live out here
And if you can’t follow where I go
Id try to drag out my very soul
And that’s never gotten me anywhere
So I know it’s safer to practice control
Stay in unconditional
And keep the things I wish for only in my daydreams
I’m my own worst enemy