FoundAlongRoad

And I know I should just be alone
I love being on my own
Miss a loving presence in the next room
But then I never ran to you
The way I should’ve
I always knew underneath it all was toxic, obsessive, but from it we built something beautiful and healthy
Except for us ourselves
Trying to be better than we were broken to be
I took too long to understand all of me
Would it have made a difference
I still remember all the spaces
Between
What you could understand and what I need
But I remember your arms around me
How we always chose each other and the future felt so real
I remember the walls I couldn’t knock down for us
And how you blamed me like I could never give enough
But I remember our love
I could’ve given more if I could’ve calmed the ache in me
I didn’t know how lucky I was but yet I remember I did that’s why I held on so much
And it was still not what it should’ve been
Never could’ve been
But it was everything now looking back from so far below
The danger of choosing worse caught up in shiny afterglow
Then she ripped me up and I wanted to run to you
Then I thought about how you wanted to hurt me worse.. did I do that to you..
I know, I should just be alone
No one will ever meet me in my neurodiversity
And I knew that long ago
Before I had the words
The most I’ll find
In this life
Was from you
And the most she can give feels so hollow without any of it
The softness and the trying for emotional maturity
You never quite got there but who ever does
And there’s no going back to where I shouldn’t have been
I suppose that goes for both
I like my little obsessions and all my feelings
And only having to worry about my own
I like being on my own
But I think I developed some of it from continually being disappointed until I realized no one would ever understand and be in my personal dream land
So I go there like Taylor says
When I hate it here
And life can be a beautiful Trainwreck
I still wanted love but don’t know how to receive it
And the more pieces of me I have to store away to get it
The less I want it
I love what I love and who I am and I frequently end up in darkness until I find my way again but that doesn’t mean I wanna bury me for someone who doesn’t get it
I wish I had been better
But maybe we weren’t meant to have forever
In the things we lack
But I also know if we had a better circumstance
We could’ve made it for the rest of our lives
I could’ve been better
If I knew how to get better
In time
Would it have been wrong or right..
Now I’d rather be alone
With this grief you gave me
What you took
And all the memories covered in soot..
I don’t think she comforts me in any way that love should..
But then I think about you and how maybe if I get better first I could fall in love with her new effort..

But the truth is I’ve been finding me
Tight ropes and the lives we lead
But the hurt and truth emptied desire from me
I won’t have a repeat
Of not being me
And loving so much
Just for you to end up hating me
Cuz I’m not enough
I’m not ever fully here
I hate it here if I think about the world
It’s beautiful and it’s horrible
And I don’t wanna be like you
And you don’t really know me
Though you think you do
And I can’t keep thinking I can fix the holes in you
I have so much in myself to sew
I wanted so much to try
Is it healing or shutting down when it no longer appeals to me to put myself behind you and soothe your wounds
Maybe I’m just too jaded and we were supposed to be years ago
I feel the sting of letting go
But I know I should just be alone..
I’m no good for this and I don’t wanna be who I gotta be to be in it.. and you deserve more and idk if you’ll get it.. I hate to think of you alone.. but I’m still reeling from cuts you gave and I have heartbreak trying to put me in the grave and you don’t wanna hear about it.. so I should just be on my own.. I love my own space with only -()- and I know I’ll fall on my face cuz society is made for that.. but I’ll come back if I’m still breathing, I’ll come back to myself and I’m not leaving.. I’ve thrown myself away too many times, the time I have left I want the love I give and it’s shaped just right for me.. i have time to make up, -()- I have battles in my head and with my body.. I know I get so lonely.. but I have a love and worlds of fantasy that feel real enough to me, all the emotions you could ever need.. when I’m just with me..
I’m not made to be enough for anyone else..
But I’m just right to me.