FoundAlongRoad

Last night you were pushing me away in your sleep
Just a bit
Like during the day
I see these walls getting big
I don’t know how to break in just a step
If you’re not ready cuz like I said
We can go day by day and if for you it fades
I said id be ok
And I fucking will be
But beyond the mess of any feelings
I still just wanna be there
And I feel useless cuz no one can fix
Anything you’re going through
And I see you make yourself harder
I only wanted to hold your armor
Lift whatever weight I can
But it takes time and intention to let anyone in
In any way
And I got the picture finally yesterday
Through your avoidance and understandable overwhelm
Of what it’s like in your world
Of the ways you’re struggling
The battles you have yet to win
And that I can’t always be the escape
And you’re not ready for me to be a brace
So I’m kinda stuck here in the wait
Trying not to let you just run away
Remind you that you’re not alone
But without making it feel like I expect anything from you
And I’m not sure if that’s what you take
From anything today
And it’s been days since we spoke the way we did
With hope
Except in bits
Last night we laughed and stayed up talking
Knowing little things
And you wrapped your legs around me
But it was all in between breakdowns and mild avoidance
Cuz I know that’s where you’re comfortable right now
But to tell the truth I’m in this somehow
For the long run
If we can bring it back to life or ten years down the road
If we temper these nights and leave love alone
I’m still in it
So I know I shouldn’t step back so far
But I know you’re skittish
And I worry you see different intentions in me
I never knew how to walk that line
When I’m trying to be a little bit not myself
Cuz you’ve got too much as well
When we can’t just sort it out
We communicated so well..
Am I angry you keep feeding back to someone who really hurt you
Yes
But I can be patient and I trust you’ll do what’s best for you when you’re ready
Whether or not you ever choose me instead
I think lately I’m just a little lonely
Cuz you’re in your head
But you stopped letting me further in
I know you’re trying, you still give pieces
And I didn’t know if you were just scared
Or unprepared for how much was there when you did
Now I think it’s both but I can’t do anything about it
I guess I’m my own worst enemy
I’m not really doubting
But I second guess different steps when your energy suddenly screams just stay away most of the day and that’s such a change and I don’t know if I can say anything to make it better when you don’t wanna surrender to feeling anything more or having it brought up so idk if you think I was trying for too much or how to still be there as much as I wanna be unconditionally when I don’t know yet how to just exist or be the best me and not a burden but damn were we learning and I swear it’ll come again I may be scared but everything good comes in time in whatever direction

Tonight you said ‘what’s it matter for how long I’ll be gone’
And I knew that meant we weren’t spending the night together
It’ll be the first one
Not sleeping in some form of cuddled up
Since whatever this bond is started
A handful of nights
That’s when we hit the highs
I had already assumed as much
Just cuz of the schedule
Whatever we have is fragile
Not meant for others eyes
I know we got somewhere new between the bar and in the water
So many green flags
Maybe I should’ve just jumped at that
But it’s still fragile
I don’t want to treat it like glass
But I’m still scared you’ll pull farther back
I know it shouldn’t matter
There’s all the time in the world and it will or won’t
But when the world’s on fire
One I can’t put out
And the anxiety creeps in on you now
I know it was there when I could make you forget
I know someday I’ll be allowed to help more with it
But the in-between from magical to reality
It’s all still magic to me
I’m just learning patience
And how to watch you learn on your own
You’ve got your own journey
Either way this will be a home..
For as long as it’s meant to be.