FoundAlongRoad

I told myself all the time ‘maybe someday,
I could manage a conversation like I have a brain’
Now I have whiplash from wondering how you go from that
To sharing a space

And my ex is pushing me into taking this leap of faith
Pushing me away just enough for healing trauma’s sake
But I keep flashing through my whole life in my mind
All my mistakes
Living with women I couldn’t get enough of
But were never the one
My addiction to adrenaline
I’ve been trying to break out of
As much as I ever will
And I know I’ve retreated too far cuz I needed
To cocoon myself to stay on track
I’m worried the worst of me will come crashing back
I think I’m scared cuz I don’t trust myself yet
I think I’m worried cuz I don’t wanna get
Another weight in my bag of regrets
Putting them on anyone I ever loved
Cuz I’m not enough and I’m too much
I think I’m scared cuz I embraced who I am
And found a balance
In isolation
Cuz I can’t ever seem to overcome
The addictive part of me
Or the part that can’t be
Normal

I know I’ve healed the rogue in me
for these last long months
Cuz she made it easy
But the rest is permanently
just me
And I am careful with who sees..
Finally found comfort with me
But anxiety at who I will be
Outside of my inner circle
Taunts me
And I side eye the way my heartbeat
Quickens at the thought of just knowing her better
When I know better
I know the death of fantasy is inevitable
I always long for the breaking
But I’m still healing in not taking
Anyone else down with me
Severing ties before I cross lines
I can’t tie back together right
I tell myself I’m not who I used to be
I can be a person
Not a burden
But I’m betrayed by the way I can’t help but hope
Knowing to go into anything innocent like this
I will only taint it
I’ve learned to keep a healthy fear of myself
Boundaries I set and keep even when they take from me
Memories with those I love
It’s just safer for everyone
Now I tell myself this unsettling in me
Is just being dramatic
Take the leap
I can be strong enough to be
Uncomfortable
And grow
Keep it to me
And learn
How will I know if I never try
But the price of failure seems too high
At someone else’s expense
And my own fragility
Tying weights to my mind
Trying to come back down every time
I hope it hurts quickly
With minimal collateral damage
I just wanna live
But I’m still learning to manage it