FoundAlongRoad

I’m not sure there are good things left in the world
My heart is all torn up tonight
I told it not to get involved yet
It’s the second night without being in the same bed
If that’s how it turns out I guess idk yet
But he’s in there right now and then supposedly on the couch
So I doubt you’ll want to open up to scrutiny
Or anything when it’s still him
It gives me rage
To think about the bruises and how you still say
You wish you two could do this
But it’s not my battle I keep reminding myself
I can only show you the opposite
In any or every way
And now I’m freaking out about my own child
None of it was supposed to happen this way
An invite on a whim
A conversation that didn’t end
Nights that were magic
Same with the days
Til it all exploded
They say
If you’re used to chaos
Healthy scares you away
Is that why you crave him
Cuz I say
I’ve never been enough
Why should this be any different
Just cuz it could be perfect
And I mean including all the flaws
But I can’t think that way
Not yet
For the first time for me you held space
For me to act like there are still good things
And I’m going to keep trying
Cuz no matter what I don’t wanna go away
But you keep finding
Ways to stay comfortably miserable
And I can’t watch him hurt you
None of this was supposed to happen
Felt like fate but it always has cruel intentions
For me
Or just lessons I swear I’ve already received
I’ll make the best of tonight
I’m just all knotted up inside
Alone with a traumatized baby and so much space that didn’t start that way
And I am growing
But maybe I’m getting sick of holding myself together when so much has imploded
Do you ever just wanna throw plates
Throw yourself into a safe place
And cry until it doesn’t all feel so daunting
Maybe we’re both uncomfortable with healing
But I’ve come so far and even if it ends so hard I can’t just quit
caring
No matter the direction this is what life is
The I-could’ve-guessed and the unexpected.