FoundAlongRoad

Honestly I’m just sad today
I love having my space
Hate the uncomfortable when youre here anyway
But lately it’s been good
But I know it’s cuz of all the bad going on
Now it’s been over 24 hrs since you’ve been home, no message back
Dk for sure if you’re even at work anymore
Haven’t paid your fines in months
What the fuck is up
Like I don’t know
But I don’t know
I still love you
I’m still sad feeling you not telling me so much
Watching these terrible choices I can’t do anything about
But when you’re here I’m never good enough
Lately it’s been soft tho
I gave up a while ago
But I still love you
It’s only been better cuz you’ve been doing some shit
I’m not stupid
But now it’s been a whole day you chose not to talk to me
You’re pulling away
Is it the inevitable
Or just the scramble in your brain
Is it just trying to hide
Or walking away
I know it’s what should happen anyway
But it’s been too late
Cuz I love you
So it hurts either way and reminds me that it was always this way I guess I forgot after seven years how it always ends up here with even less conflict
So it’s inevitable
But you had that grip
And I still love you
But I know we have next to nothing anymore
I’m still buying your birthday presents
Wondering what you’re doing
Even when I hope you’re not home
But then you’re not
And I miss you
id rather miss you than deal with the venom
But I still love those beautiful pieces
Would they come back if we let them
Was it enough
Could it get better
We have foundational conflicts
Idk how to weather
Other than to sit here missing you
Trying to not care what you do
Not question you
But not call cuz I don’t wanna hear the truth and I don’t wanna hear you lie to me
And I don’t want you here unless it’s how it’s been but even then it’s so distant
Like so much love with no foundation under it
So many feelings but so much a stranger
We hit that brick wall quick
With how you choose to see me
And how I can’t get through to you
Anxiety about you coming home
Like please be the you I wanna know
And then when you are I know it’s in part to giving in to your demons
And I feel guilty for loving the softness
And you go and I’m relieved when it’s been forever so I don’t have to play the game of who you’ll be whenever you come back
The good never lasts
But it’s kept coming back
Not enough to throw us a life raft
I guess
If it was just you needing like I do or adjusting to the time that I do
Alone
And we talked some like we used to
Or atleast checked in
Atleast connected on fucking anything important
Then it would be perfect wouldn’t it
But after this day and night I feel the chill the fright cuz I don’t want it to be different but I want us to be different
And I don’t think there’s much hope
Philosophical differences
But I love you
And idk how much you still love me
I see it fading like your sobriety
Will you hold on, is that the only outlet you need or have you already found someone else who gets you better than me who you don’t have to try to change to be right for you
It hurts
I knew it would
I didn’t know it would all be like this until it was too late
I already loved you
The pieces that drift back and away
I didn’t know it would be such heartbreak
In the things you say and opinions you form
I didn’t know you were still white knuckling so much and making excuses to keep fucking up
On top of the very real ones like the shit you gotta live with everyday that makes me wanna love you and take it all away
I did know
Once I loved you
It was too late
It was gonna hurt
No matter the reasons
Just this way.