FoundAlongRoad

She said she’d rather have a brain like mine
And the demon inside laughed while the rest wanted to cry
I had just got a message from one of my best friends
About how she told my ex that she doesn’t talk to me anymore and how it wasn’t a lie
And I know it was meant the way it felt
Like a sword in the side
Cuz it’s true and even though it’s more complicated with her
It all still comes down to the same unworth
The way I can’t maintain any kind of socializing
I came so far but still struggle to make phone calls
Small talk has me freezing
Overthinking
Say something say something
But not whatever you’re thinking
Be normal
Just speak
It’s like metal grating in me
Trying to function trying to slip out of the routine of thinking everything
A million little steps ahead
And going over and over it in my head
Been trying to unmask
Trying to find my personality again
But it’s been so many years maybe I just don’t have one to begin with
I know it’s there I know it’s buried under OCD and special interests
Withdrawing to comfort cuz no one wants to listen
To the only things I can talk about without having a panic attack
So I just wanna be with my dog and not have to use all my energy just trying to get through the anxiety of even just a conversation
If I wanna know I wanna know everything
And have to act like I don’t wanna crawl under your skin to know your every fear and wish
I don’t wanna small talk I wanna dive in
Talk about the way the whole world is wrong
But not drink the right wing brainwash
Talk about everything that makes you tick
The scars and smiles I don’t wanna gloss over everything
And get just little bits
It’s always pieces of what make me whatever I am
Screaming to be seen not have to dilute them
I live in a world of fantasy cuz everything is either boring or raw and you’re not supposed to react so strong
Not supposed to take that mask off
But she doesn’t see it much cuz I built a home I can be free in and spiral down into comfort
And she doesn’t see as much cuz through the years she saw below enough
She was a safe space and I still only hold back what will make her worse again
But did you forget
The frustration
When I couldn’t function like you wanted
Couldn’t go out didn’t wanna talk to anyone
That’s still my struggle
Socializing kills my battery unless I’m comfortable enough to feed but then I get addicted and it’s still not easy cuz I still can’t be me
But with you a lot of me was
I guess you forgot or maybe I hid too much
And truthfully I wouldn’t trade you except to ease your pain
So I can get why you say we aren’t the same
Messed up in completely different ways
I wish I could communicate easily like you
Not have to fight to do simple tasks
You wish you only had one voice in your head
Or at least less
But mine is like a prison and yours is chaos
I need solitude and comfort and my non-judgemental child
And you need escape and a volume dial
In the form of whatever helps
So I guess I understand why you would say that
I know I’m lucky in a lot of ways
It’s still a journey
To love myself