FoundAlongRoad

I’m just a jumble of pieces lately
And they’re combusting
Been killing myself rather quickly
Can’t hold on to nothing
Feel like I’ve been falling slowly
Into a new dark place
And my favorite things won’t comfort me
Only an obsession to keep my mind busy
To avoid the pain
How did it get this way
I couldn’t write since I almost died
For real this time
Feel like I spent all my minutes
Just waiting for the pain to kick in
And finish it this time
Last night I let myself cry
For the little boy I’ll never see again
For the comfort that I’ll never reach again
In her arms
That left me lonely so I let it die
Not knowing how low the bar could go
For the love I thought you and I would have
That was quickly revealed to be impossible
Just too late
Cruel twists of fate
So I hang on to the pieces that feel like hope
Knowing they only cut me when I slow down to feel the edges
And I think I keep inhaling like self destruction feeling like I’m taunting death cuz it’s lingering at my doorstep I still see him and it’s torture
But tonight I packed away the cigarettes
Idk how I got here and idk how to get out
I just know I have to now
I was so bad then so much better
So I threw myself into heaven that turned to bad weather
And I weathered it
Smashing against rocks and losing myself
Cuz it kept those fresh wounds bleeding
That pain that will never end
And how do you miss someone who wanted you dead
How do you handle grief when you can’t believe in anything
Now my chest feels like crinkling when I breathe
And my heart aches from emotion I can’t contain
I swear I’ll quit smoking
Tempting the too late
Cuz it all feels that way
I am who I am and you won’t like it
He’s gone and I can’t get him back again
I’m damaged and I feel this faulty functioning
I have all this rage I knew would come but was I just holding it in or was it late
How am I back at the beginning again
The trauma that doesn’t end
Clinging to love that doesn’t make me feel safe again
But could anything
The squirm in my guts thinking about what if you did love me enough
To understand
I think I still crave it like the day I was born but now it’s terrifying and it’s disappearing like a glimmer a tease just so close to the dream and now it’s haunting me but I am in shambles again so where would I even let anyone in
All across this broken glass
And yet to you I am attached
And I think I’m mad at myself for holding on
For still letting my heart beat for you when I know what it’ll never be and what it could be again will kill me
It’s the harsh reality
But you try and you cry and my heart breaks and I wanna hold you but then I know it won’t mend your cracks and I’ll be alone inside still just waiting until you bruise me again
What an outlook
A few calm moments in the turbulent sea
Of projecting wounds
That was you and me
But now I’m a mess too
Can’t blame it all on you
I’m dizzy on these meds and frustrated and scared
And I wish she was here but I hate her
And I felt alone even with her
But I felt like she loved me
And she destroyed me
And you.. I feel like you love..
But I don’t feel loved
Love is like the air to your drowning
And it comes out your pores and surrounds me
And I try I try to take it in
But it doesn’t scream my name
I think mine now might be the same
Desperation
Clawing at a sinking ship
I think years ago we could’ve been soulmates
And now idk if there’s enough of us left
But idk how to let go
Cuz you try
And I wanna try
Let’s smack right into that wall again
I know it isn’t budging
I told myself I wouldn’t I can’t not again
But my heart always betrays me
But this time the stress will literally kill me
And so I’m angry
At everything..
Gotta pick up these pieces again, is there even enough of me left..
Not so long ago I loved myself
I felt it slipping but I can’t put my finger
On how I got this way
Or how to get back
Except that it was everything
And one breath at a time