FoundAlongRoad

Tonight I talked to a stranger..
She wasn’t all there
So much trauma
She reminded me a little of -()-..
But she said
This last year felt like living in the twilight zone
Idk if it’s cuz I took my pills or the shock of the other night wearing off
But I feel like I’m waking up and looking around
And I don’t recognize anything
Not my life and not myself now..
Is it motivation, to do the things I need to,
That I wouldn’t do for her
Or is it spite and adrenaline
Running as far away as I can from everything
That occurred
For the first time I almost messaged her
Just to ask how she came to hate me like that
If I told her how this love hurt me
Would she laugh
How can she hate me like that
How did I hurt her like that
I was only drowning
How did we grow into that
And how did we, start like this, already..
I’m losing motivation to have anything
Feels like walls are closing in
Being alone feels lonely
And not alone feels so hard
What happened
Is this just the trauma
Will it wear off, will it all come back
Before when she hit me it took me back to that time with -()-
I wasn’t ok for a while after that
And when you hurt me it took me back to her, to the last
So maybe now my nervous system is just starting to react
Telling me because of that, she isn’t safe, she doesn’t love me
Reliving the betrayal and abandonment
How am I supposed to figure out how I feel
I know I loved her
I know it wasn’t ok but it was gonna be alright
Now I’m thrown into this tailspin
How can I know how I really feel when I just keep flashing back to that last night
I know it isn’t the same but please tell my brain
Help me
If I told anyone they’d say im insane
To stay
Or that it was nothing
I want nothing to do with those who think it was nothing
But what if she feels that way
Maybe the truth is somewhere in between and we gotta talk it out and it’s ok if I believe
That it’ll be ok
But I can’t grasp that right now
I just keep flashing back
And then I think
This is probably her mind
All of the time
What do I do with that
I still love her
I want to set boundaries
And I want to let it go
I wanna be happy
But maybe I’m so much worse
Than I even realized
So is this good for me to relive trauma I buried
To deal with it
What if I just can’t
No wonder the mind splits apart when it’s even worse
How can I even blame her
But how can I just let it go
My body already
Reacted with fear
Like -()-
I was just getting better
You’ve been getting better
And then just that moment of pain
Took it all away
I’ve been trying to drag it back
Sometimes when you tell me you love me I feel it again
But then it’s not the same
I see the distance and the shame
And I’m pretty sure it’s my fault
I think you’re still there, if I reach out
And I want to so much
Help me
How do you live like this
Was my denial keeping my mind from splitting back then
And now what happens when I keep reliving it
And I just wanna pull you closer
While my insides scream to run away..
Will it fade
If I put in the work
If I can get closer
Back to where we were
Can I get lost in it again
And is it safe to..
I’ve been heavily editing
Myself to be the easiest parts
And we still ended up here
Will it eventually be safe to be myself
And by then will I just be someone else
I already feel the changes
From that night back then
I knew I’d never be the same again
I guess I was running
And you tripped me but you help me up
Cuz you only tripped too right
But am I running to where I’m supposed to be going
Or just running from reality
Are we running together or in different directions
Is this what it feels like to go insane..
The rest of the way..
All I feel is dissociated
Until you tell me you love me
And it’s like a song that sounds familiar
Oh yea I know that one
I used to sing it for comfort
And I swear I knew the words
Felt them in my chest til it could burst
Now the tune feels calming
But then I can’t remember how it goes
Will it come back
Is this just trauma
Is it from you or me or her
I’m sure it’s a combination
But I keep echoing those words
This feels like the twilight zone
I think it’s supposed to when your life changes and it’s rushing and you’re adjusting
And the ghosts of comfort and betrayal haunt you both
Am I just drowning
Or will it all come back if I just hold you and wait for daylight..
I’m not good with change
And I tried to be
And everything lately
Is crazy
And this coming week..
I just want it to feel familiar
Say it again, tell me you love me
Make me believe it
And I’ll feel it back..