FoundAlongRoad

I fall for women that talk a lot
But know I need one that listens
Listens to understand
But they remember one tiny joke
And I’m putty in their hands
Until I can’t be enough
Retreat again
I remind myself of the lows
When I feel the highs
When she laughs to herself
And I crush my wings before I fly
Hold back
We can’t be that
Can barely be anything
Dying for another hit
Calm down
Remember where it ends before it even begins
I always think maybe I could be something
Fill in the cracks
I think in the future
If I just take small steps
I’ll be able to maintain a friendship
And keep the rest of my world equal
And maybe then maybe then
Once I master that
I could try love again
But as the years pass
And I am only peaceful with those near my level
To whom I could never be that
And I fail at the long term over and over
At just being there
I realize there’s no bright future
Been mourning all the things I could’ve been
Just trying to love who I actually am
And gently coaxing
More from within
But it’s a constant struggle
Give me the dopamine hit
Cuz for a little while
Just a little while
When she’s looking at me
I can do anything
For just a while I’m superwoman
Until reality hits
Fighting the illusion
When her voice gets that low sound
And every fact I’ll forget gets wrapped in gold and resounds
Don’t write about it
Don’t delude yourself
It’s gonna be hard enough to be normal enough to just be around
To stick around
And I want that high as much as almost anything in my life
Let me see me through your eyes
Give me a skyline bar you set
And I can jump it
Invincible
Until the other side
Feel like I’ll never come down
Never hit the ground
Except running
But it always comes back around
Break the spellbound
Repeat the mantra
It’s not the kinda love I dream of
I’ll never fit right in that mold
Oh but I could fake it so good
Til I almost believe it myself
Until one day you see what I’m missing
I never know what to them I’m missing
Every time I break apart again and gotta rebuild wondering
Until eventually I accept that it just wasn’t meant to be
Didn’t fit right with me and I tried to force it
To get just a few more nights, a few more times, riding the current like it’s all right
On top of the world
Eternal times
But it only means I’ll have farther to fall
Into increasing pieces
I know it isn’t worth it at all
Not to mention the damage
To something that started beautiful
Until I twist it into a mess
Grotesque when it could’ve been
Lasting
Then again I can’t even keep my end
Of platonic anything
So to touch everything
For just a bit
Feels like heaven
I swear I’ll quit
I swear I’ll hold it in
I won’t write about her
I’ll only concentrate on being more human
But the hits I take
They come secondhand
Can’t avoid them unless I hold my breath
Or disappear
I often disappear
To save them from me and me from me again
I gotta do something different
So content to be alone
And yet yearning
Exposure therapy, I will learn
I know I’m writing about her
But not the things running through my head
Wade through the tempting whispers
Swear I won’t do this again
Last time I learned to love without possession
This time I’ll try to fall without projecting
All of life is lessons
I’m just as weak as the ones on the street
Craving, seeking, giving in
Sinking
In the time I have left I’ll be better than this
If it’s not natural I don’t want it
And it won’t want me
If it’s meant to be it will be
But it never will cuz it doesn’t exist
Maybe that’s why I strive to fill up on synthetic
Knowing it’s the closest I’ll ever get
For a little bit
Until they find me lacking
But I’m not to me just only have one key that’s not made like the rest
They leave me lacking
But I can find real meaning if I cast off all the bleeding
All the delusions of grandeur
I know to not breathe it in only makes me need it more
I’ve been here before
We’ve always been here before
But every new mystery a whole lifetime I could read
Unique
Captivating
And always with bent pages
I wanna listen to understand
I wanna talk a lot
But there’s only reciprocation in my head
So I’ll keep all locked up
Except for only the bits they ask
Years later and it’s the same words again
Two forward and three steps back
Baby steps
Learning to be human
Or just a little more like the rest
To love without pulling
To give without pushing
Balancing the fanciful and the reeling
For as long as I can tell the difference
Find the wins amongst the failing
Change perspective