FoundAlongRoad

I’m heartbroken over how the energy has been going but you say it like you were just coping so how can I be upset with you and yet how can that be ok to do with no communication the way you’re warm then so cold anymore no heat but more than that lacking comfortability and it’s like every time you get overwhelmed you’re looking at me like I’m behind some scheme making you feel like that and I’m not an idiot I stopped with all of it when you started talking or not talking to me like this cuz I know everything I do just generally caring about you irks the fuck outta you when you’re putting walls up but when he uses you and has nowhere to go you keep him inside but then you’re fine with telling me to find somewhere to go.. how upset am I supposed to be cuz I care too much about your stress to know, I just know it doesn’t feel right like it hasn’t for a week now shutting it down n shutting me out even when I agreed myself and just tried to show you I can back off and we can still get along and you know the last time you said let’s end this ten minutes later you said let’s have sex and we’ve never been the same since and I’d say it was worth everything except this, except watching you run to him and looking at me like I’m a problem i just kept waiting for the psych! again but it hasn’t come but it’s slowly built up into atleast conversation with less disdain just like the first time it died away but lately and then last night caused a lot to change or I’m sure it should’ve and it hurt just the same but I can’t find it in me to want to go away even when it’s eggshells I just want to be..
Back to ok. The energy from before. I don’t want to leave but don’t want it like this anymore and I’m trying to examine I’m trying to be so careful, to just sacrifice the spark for any calm for you for any getting back to any healthy kind of anything just the bare minimum its like learning it all once again and yet why does it have to keep doing this but I would take it over nothing.. but then from tentative it went straight to well fuck me then and I don’t mean like last week I mean like I had nowhere to sleep and idk how upset I’m supposed to be cuz with you I always see you have these reasons and these demons but idk when I turned into a doormat but it’s like every Halloween that’s all I seem to ever get to be. You say sorry and I’m like well I’ll try harder to be easier and I don’t think that’s a healthy part of me trying to only take up enough space to be allowed to stay and never opening up cuz there’s too much on your plate I hear it’s hyper-empathy like when I feel your pain and I guess at the end of the day there wasn’t enough in everything I found to celebrate to make me into anything but the same old costume just trying to find any way to not lose what I still appreciate.

And then you call me and sincerely apologize and it’s still not ok but I say it’s ok cuz I can’t not be ok with you, knowing you, I can never blame you cuz I know all the cracks I’ve seen and have the good memories too..