FoundAlongRoad

I can’t believe it could all be
Just to be a lesson
But it is my hardest one
Seeing the way I look through your eyes now
And trying not to let it undo every bit of me
Every inch of healing I’ve achieved
Sitting with my rage and confusion and the pain
In the loneliness cuz you can’t talk to me
I can’t ask anything
Or do anything
But act like I’m ok
To act like my heart isn’t simultaneously burning bleeding shattering and turning to ice
To still only give you the energy of kind
Of love of patience of trying
As a person
to know you must have reasons
Trying to give grace
Keep balance
While inside my demons are uncaged
Shredding everything I’ve found
This will be the death match of if I can love myself
Through whatever I did to do this
Through letting it die n keeping quiet
Through taking the blame you place and trying
To not internalize it
Except that maybe you’re right
And I deserve it
Maybe I’m just blind again
But I wanna do better not smother myself in self loathing
But what even is the point of appreciating living
If all of this died like this
If this is what life really is
If this is where I get
How can I appreciate good moments
Tainted in knowing
There’s such an edge to it
It feels like it doesn’t fit
Stretched over something too big
To cover it
And idk how it got here from perfect
While also wondering
What’s wrong that I can’t fix
If I can’t see it
In me
Reality
All while I watch all that is you knarl and twist
Given to him
Countdown to crisis
Maybe that’s your journey so this had to be mine
That’s a cold comfort any winter night
I don’t want to be blind and be silenced about the cause of death of the best that this world has to offer
Much less what’s asphyxiating in you
And hold onto the hollow combative crumbs where once was easy love, in the purest definition of
I don’t wanna write, or feel anymore
I used to thrive in heartache but this isn’t my madness at the core
It’s a broken world
It’s that dark place opening a door behind me when I thought I fled the whole country years before
I don’t know where to place the blame so how do I learn, how do I not take the part of it you cast my way
And if it’s true how do I just go on breathing, trying to grow from the worst regrets I didn’t even know.