FoundAlongRoad

I think of where I was before this
Like I think you think I wanted a relationship
Just cuz I had a crush
‘No’ following ‘fuck’
I was at my healthiest
No fucking settling
Finally happy with just me
If the connection was any less
I would’ve said fuck this
Like let’s just fuck and be friends
Which I’m still cool with
But I never wanted all the rest
I was just healed enough to recognize
This isn’t average
It’s worth the risk
Whether it grows or goes stagnant
I think it could be worth it
Doesn’t mean I’m not scared
Or unsure
Trying to work on me more
Always
Just knew it was a chance I had to take
Someday
If we got there
But now I know your fear
Trauma
And how you can’t go there
And either way I’m fine chilling here
Cuz I didn’t plan for this either
My path was just peace and breathing

I only had one hole still untouched in my chest
Went a year without touch cuz I know
I make a mess
Not with feelings
But with chaos, with sex
Cuz I had to heal myself
One times get me lost
I broke it for you cuz it was what I want
Thought it could be fun
And whatever else it would or wouldn’t become
Thought it would go a while
Maybe a wild ride
One times fuck me up
Then it was once and you cut it up
I went a year cuz I knew I couldn’t do one times
And didn’t want anything too entwined
Thought this would be the perfect person
Perfect time
To get back on the horse
Then the compass went South from North
Now I’m healing what I wasn’t ready for
But isn’t that the fun in life
It sends lessons you’re not looking for
I can learn to control that part of me too
And someday there will be more nights with you
I just think it’s true
So this sucked cuz it didn’t suck and no one wanted all the complications
But what is life when it’s boring
I wish you wouldn’t overthink
But I still love everything
Shhhh don’t use that word
Swerve
Someday it’ll be easy again
Wherever that is.