FoundAlongRoad

Seems every night I hear his voice
And it reminds me that you prob wouldn’t be the right choice
Not because I judge your struggle
But because you cannot meet me in demanding better
To have him here
While ()
()
And () has said in plain terms
That’s part of the problem
But then who even knows how to solve them..

Sometimes it’s the way
you seem to disregard what I say
Or disagree
Like I don’t have life experience to be seen
possibly cuz I’m not a man
I didn’t wanna think like that
But there he is so fucking helpful
And you lean on him
And I know it comes natural
Nothing is what it seems on the surface
The layers and complexity on top of the glaring truth
feels like you could not be my person
Not that you wanted to
Or I even knew what to do
With the possibility
But what do any connected feelings mean
If it wasn’t just to be what it could be
And it couldn’t be more
Maybe if you really wanted to open up
Those nights came easily enough
Anecdotes and secrets spilling
Feel like now we’ve told each other too much
For the box you’ve picked us to be in

And the truth is
All of this
Reminds me why I said
No more straight girls
Baby gay bisexuals
Nothing against them
But they haven’t had to do the work
To de-center men,
To find their worth
And when confronted with something intimate
In only the way two women get
They tend to run from parts of themselves
That they aren’t ready to see
Too much to heal
Feels like too much intensity
And I know part of that is me
But the rest feels like carelessly
Throwing away growth to be
In survival mode and not see
Where the grass is green
Just keep watering heteronormativity
Subconsciously
Could never be me

I know that’s probably only a part
and I am just getting a little bit dark
in finding again my original bar
of hard lines on understanding my mind
after all my life

I’ve just never had a connection like that
Most things quickly went
One sided
Or lacking depth
Apparent misunderstandings
And I would’ve expected this
Would’ve never let my heart into it
If you weren’t who you were in the beginning
I’ve never had a connection like that
And that’s what gets me
When you throw it away so easily
Do most people get more so often
That what to me felt rare
Wasn’t worth your care
I know I felt you in it
I didn’t bring the pressure
It followed us in every touch
You thought it was coming from me
But I was just as confused, can’t you see
And we could’ve ignored it together
Until we saw what shape
We would like to actually take
But you cut the anchor
And it wouldn’t matter
After my whole life
You’d still be beautiful, I’d still want another night
But the loss wouldn’t feel so heavy
If it hadn’t also felt so right
In some way, too young to name
Could’ve matured into where we are anyway
Like hey that was fun but you’re not the one
I think it would’ve been okay
To grow into that
To not avoid every day
The places we’ve been that you seem determined
To bury away
I mean even just to conversate
It’s like you’re braced everyday
To run if I bring up anything
You must really think
It all just came from me..
Well fuck maybe I’m just crazy then
Maybe there’s no denial, there was no second
Where you said or meant any of the things you did
When you brought up feelings and clarified you didn’t mean mine
When it all fell together easily
Maybe you were just people-pleasing
Maybe it was all an illusion
That you stopped feeding
Maybe that’s why you’re scared
Not of falling back into there
But that I actually believed it..