FoundAlongRoad

On the way home
Was writing in my head
About letting go
Cuz I’ve been feeling better
After I went through what I needed to
Cuz I’ll never be able to say quit
To the best of this
Or stand to watch the worst of it
But nothing in life is promised
Though thawing feels inevitable
I can only control what I can control
And thinking about how far I’ve come
The memories to hold onto
Went from homeless to so many things
To this chaotic miracle
Went from my heart ripping to holding him
Never being left again
And I have it in me
To recover actively
From sex addiction
From a flare of BPD
Years of sifting, bleeding, learning to be
Healthy
To love me
To not need
So I can still miss every touch
I am made of nostalgia and yearning
And still find the high in every laugh
The little things life is made of
And realizing it wouldn’t work
As anything but where it’s at
Seeing the magic in that..

And I still have the moments I will never forget
I remember the first night
cuddled up, falling into a pattern
I can still feel every touch
I remember all the times imagining together if we got it right
And when you held me just cuz
The flirting and learning
I remember the sounds and goosebumps
Can recall the bashfulness, the effort into affection
I can still hear what you said to me in your bed
I experienced all of it that was everything for a time
Teaching me it’s possible, more than I ever imagined could be right
Even if anything more isn’t
Even if the era is over
It closed old wounds, opened up new energy
It was real and now lives in me
Not in a dark place
But in the part of me that can embrace
That tomorrow isn’t promised
And time tends to ruin everything
You look back and wish you had appreciated things
The way they were
And I know I did
And now I do again
Cuz every day is different
Darkness and stars..
What makes it worth it.

I came home and you showed me constellations
The way you do every day but this time not in metaphor
And I could not ask for more
Still there was space, to tentatively push lines
When the energy is right
Body doubling mixed with laughing through the night
I mean it when I say
Just the easy stuff that comes naturally
Is perfection, I would rather freeze time
Than try to make it into more that might
Not go right
But I also had to accept
Possibly losing all of it
To find that peace again
And the vibes aligned
Reached into ‘let’s just be’ mixed with ‘come back, meet me’
And relearned my favorite freckles for a while..
I swear it’s all making me believe
In manifesting from ease
Acting from peace
And I know it’ll be a bumpy ride
But it’ll be what it will be
Only for as long as it’s meant
Holding appreciation and acceptance
Releasing imposing and the negative
We are all only human
And it’s still the best.