FoundAlongRoad

I’ve turned so many corners now
Feels like I must’ve come back around
Everything still fucked somehow
And I still miss her sleep sounds
You know those little moments
You get with someone
Before they realize you’re not the one
they wanna share them with
It’s like glimpses of a life
You were never meant to live
Who was I when I felt confident
When she wrapped her legs around me
And I felt like I wasn’t broken
It didn’t enter my head
Until I tried to put my finger on it
I know I fell a little hard
A little bit in love with her
On those nights
I knew it then
But for me love doesn’t come with possession
Maybe I learned love
Shouldn’t be a 0 sum
Maybe I saw intimacy as a gift
I could never take a hold of
Cuz it was fleeting
and only right when it gives meaning
So why not chuck the rules and negativity
Why not choose to be
Who you are every day
Without forcing things
Is it really so different
I suppose it is
Cuz no one’s understood it
Even when they took advantage
And maybe it came from
Abandonment issues
Never having anyone who
Would choose
Me, every time, as I am
To be ‘mine’, so as I
Learned what love was
I learned what it wasn’t
What it didn’t have to be
But it didn’t feel like giving up
Anything, with you
Maybe I lived through
Fantasies and vicariously
For so many years that my sense of love became
Seeing them happy in any way
Even not through me
But I don’t think that’s unhealthy..
What’s toxic is how I shrink
In rejection, in distance
That confidence becomes bravado
Becomes misery and I thought I
Was unlearning it, until she
Shoved away so far
It ripped open an oldest scar
I know it’s not her fault..
The way I love feels like pressure
The drive to see you feel life better
The craving for magic moments
To just last forever
Because I know nothing lasts forever..
I’ve turned so many corners
I ran back into myself
And looking at her I saw
Wounds from someone else
The ones that told me that they just
Stopped caring the same..
The ones that belittled and called me names..
But the energy I gave her was not
what they got
But it all feels the same when
it made them feel it was too much
I can rewatch in my mind
All the previous tries in my life
And cringe at the begging,
the spilling and confessing
But I haven’t been just her in so long
That’s not the energy she got..
It was addicting, it was light
But it was all electric
A little bit I slipped
But a bit of me is still way too much..
I don’t say that with loathing
I know I contain oceans
And deserve someone who can sail them
But the way that I see love..
I guess it’ll always be too much
Too loose, too deep,
waves rolling to shore
and pulling out to sea
I only wanted you to float with me..
I didn’t bring storms
But when you now can’t touch your feet
After a lifetime on the beach
I’m sure it feels scary..
Feels like I asked for so much
When I’ve never had a hard time with patience
If given crumbs
Or back and forth
Half mundane half magical
Borrowed time and no tomorrows
But I live a whole life
In every look in your eye
And that’s always made me seem like
I wanna be your whole life
But I haven’t been that girl in a long time..
But this faltering, unsure, insecure,
Feels familiar
It took so long to know
how I got here, but with you
I can see what I didn’t do..
And somehow got the same
Conclusion, deeper cuts,
Obliterated.
The thing is it only hurt a bit at first
And I owned that as my mistaken hope
As confused as it was it felt something
But the shredding, tearing,
Unable to barely be in the same room..
I don’t know how I brought that out in you..
And that’s the pain that got me right here
The melancholy, I don’t fear
I own my part in wondering how far
That electric feeling could go
And I healed back, slow
But steady.
That’s not what broke me
Maybe it would’ve been
If it had only ended like this
But given a chance to live
I can only stand natural deaths..
But before I could bounce back
Or start to mourn that
The space shifted tectonically
Like earthquakes between you and me
Starting fires filled with fumes
Of frustration and toxicity
And I fell back into me
Why don’t you still want to know me
But after this pit collapsed
Now that I’m crawling back
I can guess that everything I give
Made it feel like such a severing was needed
And that still hurts in the part of me
Which knows that I love unconditionally
And only want to understand and be understood
But I understand me
And I can only
Try again to learn
Not to pour more into what cannot hold me
And hearing your sleep sounds
from afar
only gives me a dull ache now
Acceptance.