FoundAlongRoad

I guess I needed the reminder
Cuz I’ve come through too much to still wanna stand beside her
I gotta get off this ride
And she sought me out
Like she knows we hit a new leaf too
Fragile after all the pain
Like she knew tonight would set me back again
Probably cuz earlier I texted only her name
Then shook my head and said nvm
I didn’t wanna know, I can’t go there again
The answer doesn’t matter
But when she grabbed my attention
It reminded me of when she basically
Used to say plan your crash out accordingly
Cuz she knew how I felt
Always alluding to it never wrote or said it out loud
Since one of the last nights in that bed
When I said I’d be here when you were ready
Or maybe after the beginning of the bad
When she dismissed waiting
And I said if I don’t find a connection like we had
Why would I settle for less
I’d rather just be alone
And she said it made sense
But it’s been a lifetime since then
I gotta get off this ride
I bought her lip rings
Knowing it would torture me after the goodbye
But seeing him I remember all the reasons why
I closed that door too
It just tends to
Evaporate when the air softens
Around you
But I gotta board it up
Gotta uncover all these cuts
Dig my fingers in
Like a blade
Let the blood pool
And speak its name
I’ve had a lifetime
Of building fires
For those who can’t keep me warm
The ones that create the very storm
That I try to love them out of
And I don’t have enough time left
To be misunderstood and dismissed
Anymore
I know it’s not what love is
I want what I give
Or I want enough detachment
To not sink so far in
But you speak and I forget
All the things you ever did
Except lay with me
And run electricity
Across our skin
But that burn when you let the lightning out the bottle
Was reckless, neglectful, understandable and inexcusable
Excuse my contradictory reactions to
Heartbreak I received when I never meant to fall in love
Memories that haunt me even knowing I’ll never be enough
And I can’t possibly belong in a place I was cast out of
Like heavens gates just leave me down with the demons
I never wanted to stay anywhere I couldn’t be myself
And yet it’s all I’ve ever done as well
I have to exit this scene
This story
It was written in invisible ink
Only visible to me
Like I hallucinated the best of you and me
The possibility
It doesn’t even feel right
To say you and I
In any capacity
Like you hid that sign he made
Cuz it read like something more
I knew when I saw it
That feeling of doom and denial
You ran from the very core
So I gotta climb out
Every time I fall back in
Cuz I know it’ll happen
Again and again
And I don’t wanna be stuck in anything
That feels like it’s built on illusion
I swear I let go
I know I was almost over you
As much as I’ll ever be
But I can never hold onto the hurt you do
When I know what’s underneath
But I thought it had accumulated
Enough in the negative
Just like you said he did
Right before he’s on the couch again
Maybe we’re not so different..
And yet worlds apart cuz I don’t think I would still fall back easily
If you switched places
If you did everything like him
Even starting a million miles above where he did
As a person
So I’ll never get it
But I remember it’s been him
And I wasn’t worth it
So I’ll slide that fact over the delicate places in me
Like sandpaper just enough to rough it up
Make the skin tough
Until it joins my scars and takes more than a day released from the bars that hold back anything we ever had to make me fall back
Until I can fall back
Consistent
No matter your laugh or your eyes or when you surprise me with your mind
No matter looking at the furniture and remembering those nights like it was all a dream
Just enough toughening up to keep me
From folding
So easily
Keep turning corners until I’m lost
But I saw the light of day come across
The path ahead and I will get to it
To the calm where I can remember the best feeling ever
Without the tweak in my chest
And make peace with all the darkness since
Take it for what it is
And know that I want more and won’t settle for less
No matter what half imaginary game this is
I’m too old to stay addicted
To chaos and proving I’m good enough
I’m just happy to still be breathing and I never want another weight on my chest stealing it’s beating cuz I know the right love wouldn’t feel like this and the crumbs feel like Thanksgiving when they’re lit up like a live wire but maybe it’s just a stripped cord lying between us and I still want everything without ever being everything to each other and maybe I need to accept that and know it can never be that and we can never understand and I would rather feel ok again
Yea I would rather feel ok again..
And I have that without this
If I can just find it while still being in it
And not jumping in again
I always think my toes can be dipping
And I won’t have that urge to throw myself into the depths
But I am not swimming
Against any more currents
I just wanna feel ok again
I think that’s where we were going
But the charge hits the water
Like invisible danger
Idk if we just can’t be close without the undercurrent
Or if it’s all in my head
I just wanna get to the place where I don’t even wonder
And just feel ok again..
If it even exists..
I’ll aim for just feeling ok again..