FoundAlongRoad

Chat is it normal to struggle not wanting to start a conversation with someone you want to talk to cuz you don’t want to bother them..
And yes I have trauma with clinginess
.. chat is just me talking to myself..
I think all my manic energy was pent up, coming out all at once
But it’s all different now
Somehow more balanced
Remains dangerous
I still did the adulting
And only said the small thing
I’m not a saint ok
But when they pull away I pout
Like a child
And a little bit used to it
But I just will never
Understand
Even with him
I was like tell me everything
Cuz there’s intelligence and laughter, bonding
I mean I haven’t talked to him in months
Cuz I can’t like go outside and be a person
But the point is
This eternal infernal thing
Fruitlessly reaching
Internally screeching
Is not a wound that I can heal
I think it’s just me..
Why don’t they die to know
Why is no one dying to know
Anything
Look around at the imaginary crowd
Why am I the only one
Who feels this way
Fascinated by other beings
In the most intense way
If I find a spark of intrigue
I want to know everything they’ve ever said
All that they think
But in an immersive way
To experience
All of their brain
Every surprising thing that will leave their lips
Every twist and turn their DNA makes
Cuz I just think they’re worth it
A symbiotic bond, a commiseration
Memories that will always live
Insights and differences
Just cuz they’re alive
Isn’t it a miracle to live
I just want all of the moments
Different personality combinations
All while being in it
Appreciate every unique strength, skill, weakness
Effort
Perspective
And when anyone’s really something
How you can not get lost in it
Like a cenote
Am I even from this planet
It’s not like I don’t require alone time
Or wanna merge into one
And it’s not like I’ve never had it
My ex bff said ‘give me all of your attention
I’m obsessive
Tell me everything that goes on’
And fuck did we have fun
But for me it’s always also so cerebral
And she lives in the real world
So now she’s also gone..
Why don’t you wanna watch it
Why don’t you wanna read it
Can I find another me out there
Soulmate or run in terror
And I know everyone has already found their persons
I think I had my lifetime with mine too
But is it ever really perfect
And don’t you love the moments
When it’s so deep like places no one else has seen or it’s so light like laughs that last in your mind a long time
Don’t you want any more of that
Is this like the polyamory thing
‘Everything is quantifiable
And placed carefully
Within rules and boundaries’
Yea, I’ll never be a part of that society
So I guess I’ll be here alone
Leaving her alone
Until I learn how to be friends without obsession
Without reeling in and letting go
Micro-dosing co-dependence
Failing at the follow through
And holding on forever
Chat, what do more normal people do?