FoundAlongRoad

Heart screaming
Cuz I’m a fixer
So it’s beating so fast
Like please don’t crash
Take on more than I thought was in store
Cuz why waste potential if it can do anything
Useful
And it feels like learning
Like being given back
Not like reaching
For what will become a lack
And I’m not sure which color is which anymore
It all swirls into
I’m just sure
I’m just sure this isn’t like before
I’m just sure it won’t leave me on the floor
Second looks like the fear I’ll collapse
Like the other year
But I’m not over-extended here
I’m not filling gaps between what’s needed and where you’re at
I’m only choosing a parallel path
I’m not dragging weight saying this used to hold me, or ever could
I’m rising up to see if my legs can still carry me, even from where I stood
If my brain can still do anything
If I can control the toxicity
And be steady on the way, just going the same way right now
And maybe strings thicken and maybe my heart grows like the grinch’s but it doesn’t just feel like hurtling into the unknown
It doesn’t just feel like holding myself back from making a home
I always looked up like ‘shit, I feel love’
Falling into an abyss illusioned to look like it’s above
Like well I’ll just give until I get back or lose enough
To lose too much
But now the shades blend into learning comfort
Like my eyes can see a new color
Something not tinged with desperation
Not whispering in my head ‘maybe’ or ‘could’ve been’
I could never ever describe
The difference
Except it doesn’t feel like love ever did
And it feels more like love
Than it’s ever been
Since I was innocent
Like a kid learning
Enjoying worlds opening
And not what could be gained from it
Cuz it’s not what other shape it could take
It’s adoring every bit of your humanity
I don’t wanna make ripples in the still
Or calm the rapids
I don’t ever wanna call the water to my will
But I never wanna get out and
Yet I know
Nothing is infinite except a moment
Every bit
Unless you try too hard to own it

Untamed wilderness
Unmatched will to give
To all the right things
And I remember telling her
I couldn’t find a flaw
Impossible
And she answered like I’m crazy cuz she knows a few herself
But I don’t mean
Like being human
I mean like being so human it hurts
The way if everyone only was
I’m pretty sure it’d cure the world
And at the time I also meant
In my eyes
But now I see it’s more
Than keeping score
And checking soul boxes
Hasn’t it always been
Just never traveled where it’s met
Turns out the answer to the searching
Is to learn to stop looking
Not in the way where it finds you
Although maybe that too
But it’s in releasing the whole question
Ending the whole quest in
Learning it was never a treasure hunt
Not a quantifiable type of want
I may yearn my whole life
But every single night
I go a little colorblind
Something beyond myself
But coming along as well
As the river runs