FoundAlongRoad

And I’ve hinted at it
But I’ve never said it
All these red flags waving
I looked for understanding
But fuck

And it could go either way
And it could be both all the same
Hinting at feelings at building something
But filled with denial, shutting down and gaslighting
I let you get away with so much
Cuz I loved you
I let it make me shut down and give space to you
Said it was giving grace to you
Cuz I wanted to understand
And I didn’t wanna go out like that
A mistake, a burden
But you created the hurdles
And couldn’t communicate to save anything anyone n definitely not me
Just let me crack for weeks and figure out how to build back me without an ounce of resiprocity and then when you start to thaw you ask why I didn’t feel comfortable but when I say it’s a bigger conversation instead of laughing hysterically in your face you walk away from the emotional responsibility so it’s again on me but you’re trying right so it’s a couple better nights
And then
Traumatize me again
Show me you don’t care if I’m ok
Keep me in the dark even about basic safety
Like a punishment for being unconscious
Mad I don’t work your way
Oh, the million things I could say
You’re toxic to yourself
But nothing I could do or say would help
I’m not looking to tear you down
You weren’t looking for my help
Cuz something about me
Makes you crazy
And it could go either way
It could be from the beginning or only hate
It could be both all the same
It doesn’t matter anyway
When I can’t keep looking the other way
This is where we are so it’s where I can’t be
Still not one word to me
Do you think you were right to be angry
Do you ever ask yourself why you react that way only to everything about me
I’m no longer looking for answers
Wishing to make you understand
Or waiting until you have space for me again
In your head
I’ll always have love
I know I’ll shed tears
I wanted to be here..
But something in you hates it
And we can’t even communicate much less examine
And I don’t deserve to live this way
Every so often it’s something else
Always something
With no knowing or conversation
And I just try to be better
And better and better
Through the hoops you act like you didn’t put there in the first place
But you finally smacked me in the face
Emotionally
Enough to see maybe you triggered my PTSD for more reasons than I wanted to admit to
Guess we’re both in denial but I see through
The things you refuse to
As far as how to explain
And it could go either way
Like a relationship to you
Or someone who feels like the wrong side of a magnet
Makes you arc and spark and you can’t understand it
Don’t have any energy for that
So it’s been tragic
But I’m done being a punching bag when
You used to be the best feeling I ever had
Now it’s all tainted no going back
But I’ll live somewhere in between that
And you can write the story however you want
Cuz I know you’ll continue to do that
It could go either way but I know which one you’ll take
Always avoid, always survive
Id say I hope we could try again if I believed in other lives
But I know we only get so much time
And it’s what we make it
I know that I tried
So I gotta take what’s left of mine
Always staying til I end up leaving pieces of myself behind..
I’d like to think I learned faster this time
You’re just hard to walk away from
The dark and the light all under your fight to survive that you can’t switch off can’t see the crackling electricity for the light and can’t slow down cuz your demons are right behind, yea there’s a lot I could say
But it wouldn’t help you anyway
I couldn’t help you in any way..
And all those fucking nights..
Like another life
I never wanna hear the way you would write
Our story
But I also don’t wanna hear goodbye
I gotta go before my resolve does
Before that repellent gets more dangerous
I already feel the nostalgia
Holding on to the trauma cuz I gotta run..