FoundAlongRoad

Think the nightmare came from feelings letting go
But she says some things and again I don’t know
But I know I can’t keep dissecting, seeing the best in, how she might want me again when that hasn’t been healthy for me and even though I would still be open to how it should’ve been from the beginning, don’t think I can ever close that door, but I can let go of more, of confusion of being haunted, of needing explanation and the things the potential wanted cuz in the end it’s all chemistry and ours was gigantic and idk anymore if you felt it but I know it’s unwanted and I don’t wanna be unwanted anymore.. a few steps back to along just beneath the surface and everything is still hurting but it eases more each day but that space leaves me with a different ache in just caring and watching you searching while on my own journey knowing we have become divergent and yet constantly intersect and as you minutely accept it after so long of rejection it feels like a wound and yet a wish come true but still a shadow of how I couldve continued to know you and you could’ve known me too and I suppose we never know what time will do like you never know what your mind will do and maybe I have that too and the trying is only futile but I can’t stop trying with you to just be here to get to calm but I think I’ve been letting a big part of me move on because I know once you hurt me I will constantly try to prove myself worthy of your love and that’s not who I want myself or us to become.. when from the beginning it was inevitable, n it was everything we didn’t want.. and now I don’t want you like I thought the universe wanted but my imagination sends what ifs even when I know the way you choose to handle it killed a part of those feelings I’ll never get again and that’s a good thing but I still want things I still miss the connection and it’s lingering like a specter only I can see except when it whispers to me that if you didn’t feel anything then why the cleansing but the truth is I didn’t know which way to go in explanation and can’t have hope other than physical nights maybe sometime but the rest you maimed and I needed to let it die I guess that was the ending all along and maybe it isn’t meant to make sense or maybe we haven’t gotten there yet, can you go off of the path the fates set if you don’t believe I’m not sure yet but I’m in between being numb to this and wanting you to just want me again just in the most shallow ways and yet I crave to be over everything but your anatomy although I know the intimacy will be another leap into carrying a different weight with me but I will heal again I am only scared of what I have been becoming and maybe that’s what the nightmare meant because we can stare and be stared into and like I said about you we can become what we run from so am I avoiding confrontation and rejection or trying to learn the lesson without putting the pressure of explanation on you when I’m not sure you yourself know the truth or am I staying and numbing and chasing distraction and becoming someone who is afraid who now avoids or is that not possible when I live in the very void where emotions themselves are crafted and I am only looking after a band aid and time as a brace until I can face myself again and not see what you did or didn’t and will I know before it is too late or have I been cooked since the beginning of what became a gaslit game, is there a hand in fate? Let it be soft, let it be keeping memories made and getting to a comfortable place whatever shape that may take wherever the branches of time may break